November 2 set at Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night

Posted: November 4, 2009 in Transcripts
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Halloween is over, or National Night Out for predators as some people refer to it. Comedy that writes itself: the jump-off point for the fifth annual Zombie Walk in Richmond was across the street from the Church of Scientology. How convenient. To get into the spirit of Halloween, I watched Hellboy II but I watched it before Hellboy I. I hope I didn’t tear a hole in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

Dick Cheney also got into the spirit of Halloween. He dressed up as the Ghost of Torture Past to go trick or treating. Everyone who came to the Cheney house Halloween night got a special treat: a shotgun blast in the face. Cheney may be getting confused in his old age. He recently said America was safer because the Obamas got a Portuguese Water Boarding dog. Right after Halloween is November 3, Election Day, or as I like to call it, National Night out of the Closet for former Idaho senator Larry Craig.

A lot of people don’t know that Edgar Allan Poe, in addition to being America’s first horror writer of note, was also America’s first stand-up comedian. The only problem was that every joke ended with the same punchline: “Here, here, it is the beating of his hideous heart!” Come to think it, Poe may have been talking about Dick Cheney. Kind of a downer. Probably why he didn’t get too many laughs. The reason I don’t get too many laughs: too much conceptual comedy. “The Dark Files – an XXX parody” is the latest porn spoof. However, I’m definitely not going to see “Splooge Bob Square Pants.”

I used to think MySpace was sleazy until I discovered Tagged, whose members look like refugees from the Jerry Springer Show. If Facebook is the Upper West Side and MySpace is the Bronx, then Tagged is a trailer park in New Jersey. I got a notice from Tagged that said Halle, 35, had viewed my profile and underneath was photo of Halle Berry. Do you realize what this means? Halle is lying about her age! Curiously, all the Christian singles in Facebook ads have large breasts. Apparently, not only can Jesus turn water into wine, he can turn a B-cup into a D-cup. If Jesus comes back, I want to know so I can follow him – on Twitter. Forget what would Jesus do. What would Jesus tweet? I can see Jesus ragging on Muhammed and Buddha. “I’ve got 2.1 followers on Twitter. Muhammed, you’ve only got 1.5 billion followers. Buddha, you’ve only got 376 million!”

Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What will you have?” Jesus said, “I’ll have a Rusty Nail and a Bloody Mary.” Mohammed said, “I’ll have a Virgin drink.” Buddha said, “Who do I have to kill to get out of this joke?” Believe it or not, I came up with the idea for a show called “Copts.” It turns out there wasn’t a big market for a series about Egyptian Christians so Fox took it in another direction.

Billy Ray Cyrus is the perfect dad. Miley Cyrus half-naked in Vanity Fair? So what? Miley Cyrus lap dances on a 50-year-old director? Whatever. Miley Cyrus pole dances at the Teen Choice awards? Ho-hum. Miley Cyrus deletes her Twitter account. OMG! Now Billy Ray puts his foot down!

Here’s my David Letterman tribute joke. “The Mentalist” is so perceptive he can actually tell the difference between Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslett and Kate Beckinsale.

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