Luke Skywalker bought his Tauntaun a Snuggie

Posted: February 20, 2010 in Transcripts
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Transcript of my February 15, 2010 set at Cafe Diem in Richmond, Virginia:

Has anyone seen the ad for “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief”? Shouldn’t that be “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Harry Potter Thief”? Anyone watching the final season of “Lost.” Spoiler alert: there’s an nerve-wracking episode coming up in which Hurley gets stuck in the hatch.

Clooney in 2009
Image via Wikipedia

Kanye West wasn’t invited to the “Hope for Haiti” telethon. Apparently they were afraid Kanye would interrupt George Clooney to claim the Southeast Asia tsunami was worse than the earthquake in Haiti. Years ago, I made a deal with the Devil to get Pat Robertson to stop making stupid comments. I want my soul back. If it takes a lot of black people dying in a natural disaster to inspire a football team, I am so betting on the Haiti soccer team in the Olympics.

January’s been a rough winter. Washington, DC was paralyzed. In other words, things are pretty much normal. How cold was it? It’s so cold that Luke Skywalker bought his Tauntaun a Snuggie. It’s so cold that I actually saw a Richmond Flying Squirrel de-icing his wings. The only thing scarier than a groundhog waking up and seeing its shadow as Andie McDowell waking up and seeing her wrinkles.

The new senator from Massachusetts is a former Cosmopolitan centerfold. This puts the ass back in Massachusetts. Bill Clinton is amazing. He’s 63-years-old and he still does his own stents.

Barack Obama
Image by Ethan Bloch via Flickr

Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech. He promised to revive the economy, reform health care, rein in the banks and put a unicorn in every back yard. Chris Matthews said he forgot Obama was black for an hour. I had forgotten that Chris Matthews was a jackass for a week.

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Mayer apologized for using the N-word and White House chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel apologized for using the R-word. Don’t you hate it when a kike like Emmanuel and a cunt like John Mayer stereotype groups and call them derogatory names? I can say kike because I have a because I have a big nose, which makes me Jewish. I can say cunt because I have a big vagina, which makes me a really butch lesbian. I took the Activia Challenge but it didn’t turn me into movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back.

Pay no attention to me. I’m just checking my set list. It’s a little trick I picked up from Sarah Palin. I’m glad she’s come up with something new and exciting to do with the palm of your hand. I got my hand a Valentine’s Day card. I know the palm of my hand like the back of my hand.

People who ridiculed the Richmond, Virginia grocery chain Ukrop’s for years by calling it Ukrap’s will have to open up a new can of sarcasm. Dutch supermarket group Ahold has bought Ukrop’s. For some reason, they don’t want to call it Ahold’s. Even more amusing, the company’s full name is Royal Ahold. Since it’s a Dutch company, let’s hope they tell their new employees to wash their hands after putting their fingers in any dikes.

The Virginia Lottery has a new scratcher game based on American Idol. The slogan: “Just one scratch is all it takes.” When it comes to Paula Abdul, I’m not sure whether they’re talking about winning a lot of money or catching herpes. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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