Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, circa March 9, 2010

Posted: March 18, 2010 in Transcripts
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Performed at Wabi Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia and the 9:55 Comedy Club, Café Diem and Fallout in Richmond, Virginia.

Toyota microphone bit. My neighbor has a Toyota Camry with bundles of Nation of Islam literature with Louis Farrakhan on the cover in the back seat. Maybe the car only crashes in white people.

You know your life is going downhill when your Facebook doppelgänger is Charles Manson. That’s probably why my neighbors don’t let their kids come over and stroke my Zhu Zhu pet, Mr. Sniggles.

Has anyone seen the ad for “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief”? Shouldn’t that be “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Harry Potter Thief”? Anyone watching the final season of “Lost.” Spoiler alert: there’s an nerve-wracking episode coming up in which Hurley gets stuck in the hatch and the Others blow the Smoke Monster up his ass. I used to get confused when people talked about the Smoke Monster. I thought they were referring to Snoop Dogg. Snoop was in Richmond last week and for one brief shining moment, Richmond had more smoke trails over it than Atlanta.

Kanye West wasn’t invited to the “Hope for Haiti” telethon. Apparently they were afraid Kanye would interrupt George Clooney to claim the Southeast Asia tsunami was worse than the earthquake in Haiti. Years ago, I made a deal with the Devil to get Pat Robertson to stop making stupid comments. I want my soul back. If it takes a lot of black people dying in a natural disaster to inspire a football team, I am so betting on the Haiti soccer team in the Olympics. Big earthquake in Chile. The good news is that it didn’t kill as many people as in Haiti. The bad news is that it missed Elliott Yamin.

January’s been a rough winter. Washington, DC was paralyzed. In other words, things are pretty much normal. How cold was it? It’s so cold that Luke Skywalker bought his Tauntaun a Snuggie. It’s so cold that I actually saw a Richmond Flying Squirrel de-icing his wings. The only thing scarier than a groundhog waking up and seeing its shadow as Andie McDowell waking up and seeing her wrinkles.

The new senator from Massachusetts is a former Cosmopolitan centerfold. This puts the ass back in Massachusetts. Bill Clinton is amazing. He’s 63-years-old and he still does his own stents. Dick Cheney was hospitalized with chest pains. His heart couldn’t stand the strain of the excitement of Olympic curling. I was curious about the Olympic Biathlon. Imagine my disappointment when I found out Tila Tequila wouldn’t be competing. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were robbed. They would have won an Oscar for producing “The Hurt Locker.” Anyone see Mo’Nique’s hairy legs on the red carpet? She’s just prepping for her new movie role, “An American Werewolf in Los Angeles.”

Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech. He promised to revive the economy, reform health care, rein in the banks and put a unicorn in every back yard. Chris Matthews said he forgot Obama was black for an hour. I had forgotten that Chris Matthews was a jackass for a week.

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Mayer apologized for using the N-word and White House chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel apologized for using the R-word. Don’t you hate it when a kike like Emmanuel and a cunt like John Mayer stereotype groups and call them derogatory names? I can say kike because I have a because I have a big nose, which makes me Jewish. I can say cunt because I have a big vagina, which makes me a really butch lesbian. I took the Activia Challenge but it didn’t turn me into movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back.

Pay no attention to me. I’m just checking my set list. It’s a little trick I picked up from Sarah Palin. I’m glad she’s come up with something new and exciting to do with the palm of your hand. I got my hand a Valentine’s Day card. I know the palm of my hand like the back of my hand. It looks like Congress will pass a health care plan. It’s probably better than Sarah Palin’s health care plan, where if you get sick, you’re stranded on an ice floe. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality tv series around. It’ll include footage of her hunting in Alaska and will be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

People who ridiculed the Richmond, Virginia grocery chain Ukrop’s for years by calling it Ukrap’s will have to open up a new can of sarcasm. Dutch supermarket group Ahold has bought Ukrop’s. For some reason, they don’t want to call it Ahold’s. Even more amusing, the company’s full name is Royal Ahold. Since it’s a Dutch company, let’s hope they tell their new employees to wash their hands after putting their fingers in any dikes.

The Virginia Lottery has a new scratcher game based on American Idol. The slogan: “Just one scratch is all it takes.” When it comes to Paula Abdul, I’m not sure whether they’re talking about winning a lot of money or catching herpes.

Naomi Campbell acussed of assaulting her limo driver. Her spokesman said there’s more to the story than meets the eye. Probably more to the story than meets the nose. The Reverend Al Sharpton held a meeting to discuss New York governor David Paterson’s scandals. Excuse me, is that the pot calling the kettle black?

The inventor of the Frisbee died recently. This gives a whole new twist to the phrase, “spinning in your grave.” The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven also just died. No word yet on whether he’s going to be cremated and whether it will take two-and-half days.

Thanks you. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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