Jennifer Love Hewitt, January 2008
Image via Wikipedia

Performed at Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night March 15, opening for The Recliners March 19 and That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout  March 23, 2010

Mike Sorrentino of “Jersey Shore” calls his stomach “The Situation” because his abs are ripped. I’m thinking about calling my stomach “The Doughnut” because my abs are a doughy blob of fat with a hole in the middle.

Nightline interviewed the killer whale at Sea World. He claims he’s nearsighted and mistook his trainer for a penguin. An honest mistake. He’s apologized and is going back into rehab to treat his addiction to penguins. My goldfish lunged at me when I tried to feed it. Damn, I hate these copycat killers.

I was curious about the Olympic biathalon. Imagine my disappointment when I found out Tila Tequila wouldn’t be competing.

Tiger Woods hired former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer to do public, er, public relations. Insert your own bush joke here. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were robbed at the Academy Awards. They should have won an Oscar for producing “The Hurt Locker.” If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: director James Cameron will team up with director Kathryn Bigelow for a war movie about blue people called “The Smurf Locker.” Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for “Crazy Heart” but that still doesn’t make up for “Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.” Watching “Crazy Heart” would be a bad trip for me: too many Kris Kristofferson flashbacks. Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei’s. Anyone see Mo’Nique’s hairy legs. She’s just getting ready for her new movie, “An American Werewolf in LA.”

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Damn, I thought that was going to be a love for the ages like Romeo and Juliet, Abelard and Heloise, Percy and Mary Shelley, Robert and Elizabeth Barret Browning and Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.

Critics say former Congressman Eric Massa is a loose cannon but are they engaged in Massa-baiting? It looks like Congress will pass a health care plan. It’s probably better than Sarah Palin’s health care plan. If you get sick, you’re stranded on an ice floe. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality tv series around. It’ll include footage of her hunting in Alaska and will be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

Toyota microphone. My neighbor has a Toyota Camry with bundles of Nation of Islam literature with Louis Farrakhan on the cover in the back seat. Maybe the car only crashes in white people?

Naomi Campbell accused of assaulting her limo driver. Her spokesman said there’s more to the story than meets the eye. Probably more to the story than meets the nose. The Reverend Al Sharpton held a meeting to discuss New York governor David Paterson’s scandals. Excuse me, is that the pot calling the kettle black?

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep? The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven just died. No word yet on whether he’s going to be cremated and whether it will take two-and-half days.

Saint Patrick’s Day is Wednesday. Let’s celebrate a thousand years of alcoholism, famine, oppression, fratricide, superstition and hypocrisy. I hope everyone enters into the true spirit of the day by sodomizing an altar boy. I’m praying this is the year Saint Patrick finally drives the pythons out of Florida. Thank you. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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