Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, circa March 29, 2010

Performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Cameldy at the Camel, That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout in Richmond, Virginia and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg.

My blind dates have been disasters. I’m thinking about that blow job from a seeing eye dog in particular.

Has anyone seen the new commercial for Viagra? I’m not a doctor but if your reflection in a window talks to you, you may have a bigger problem than erectile dysfunction.

Police captured a coyote in Manhattan, but not before David Letterman spotted him eating a squirrel’s nuts in Central Park. It’s been a rough winter. How rough? I actually saw an intern burying David Letterman’s nuts in Central Park. A sushi restaurant in Santa Monica called Hump has apologized for serving whale. They still have camel toe on the menu, however.

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur related to the Velociraptor. It was immediately offered a job on CNN, which wants to attract an younger demographic than the audience for  “Larry King Live.”

Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei – and Jesse James.

I got a letter that said President Barack Obama was requesting my immediate response to the 2010 Presidential survey. “You are a part of a select group of leaders who have been chosen to participate in this survey.” Yeah, right. It was bad enough when I was getting scam letters from Nigerians. Now I’m getting scam letters from Kenyans.

Congress finally passed a health care plan. Jon Stewart had called the Democrats a bunch of pussies – which is a slander on vaginas everywhere. If you screw around with a vagina, you get results in nine months. It took the Democrats 14 months of screwing around with health care to get results. There have been threats and violence after Congress passed the health care plan. In particular, an ugly incident in which that thing on top of Minority Whip Eric Cantor’s head attacked Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s just wrong. Shouldn’t they be selling for three-fifths the price of a white Barbie. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep?

Fess Parker, who played Davy Crockett for Walt Disney is dead at 85. He’s best known for serving as the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair piece. Abba was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I thought Neil Young said that Rock and Roll would never die. That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thank you very much.

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