I just flew in from Europe, and boy, are my arms tired

Posted: May 1, 2010 in Transcripts
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Jay Leno, host of the Tonight Show. Cropped fr...
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Transcript of my most recent stand-up comedy set, performed while MCing at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and others.

Not to mention covered with volcanic ash. Sarah Silverman’s not-so-secret shame is bedwetting. My not-so-secret shame is volcano jokes. I’m not going to see “Kick-Ass the movie.” I’m waiting for “Kick-Ass the Kick-Ass.” Meanwhile, “Kick Ash the Volcano” is a big hit in Iceland. The Smoke Monster is upset because the Iceland volcano is blowing up bigger in the media than he is, so he told the volcano to kiss his ash. The bad news: the neighboring Katla volcano in Iceland could blow at any moment. The good news: Katla is easier to pronounce than Eyjafjallajokull. Hey, they all can’t be comedy gold, people.

I don’t know about you but I sleep a lot better at night knowing that Jay Leno is back on the Tonight Show.

King Tut just arrived in New York City. He plans to get tips on self-preservation from another King – Larry. The Cardinals and the Mets just played baseball for nearly seven hours. That’s longer than some of Larry King’s marriages.

Let’s have a moment of silence for Brett Michaels, the lead singer of Poison and the star of “Rock of Love,” who’s fighting for his life after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage. Wait a minute, Brett Michaels has a brain? Too soon or too stupid?

Did everyone enjoy Easter? Some people believe the Easter Bunny is a mythical creature like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Change We Can Believe in. I’ve invented a new candy for atheists to hand out at Easter. They’re called Meme&Memes. They melt in your mind, not in your mouth. It’s a good thing Jesus didn’t say “Do unto others as they have done unto you.” Otherwise, there’d be a lot of sodomized priests.

An Iranian cleric warned that women who dress immodestly cause earthquakes. The US Geological Survey has issued a Snooki Level alert for the entire East Coast. A Muslim group told the creators of “South Park” they might wind up dead for blaspheming against Mohammed. Just to show they’re serious, they killed Kenny. French president Nicolas Sarkozy wants legislators to ban the full veil. If he really wanted to popular, he’d call for outlawing the muffin-top and pants-on-the ground.

Kate Gosselin has left “Dancing with the Stars,” but not before astronaut Buzz Aldrin got her pregnant. Hey, after you’ve planted a flag on the moon, planting an embryo in Kate is child’s play.

A lot of people are down on Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, the model who had an affair with Jesse James. Look on the bright side: we finally have a homewrecker with more tattoos than Angelina Jolie.

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