It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair

Posted: May 13, 2010 in Transcripts
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Cover of "Black Dawn"
Cover of Black Dawn

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set at Cameldy 3.5, Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and K-9 Comedy @ City Dogs.

I finally realized what BP stands for: “Barack’s problem.” Apparently my plan to cap the oil blowout in the Gulf with Sarah Palin is not realistic. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. I can’t wait until the oil-battered shrimp specials show up on the Red Lobster menu.

Kitty Kelly has a new book out with shocking revelations about Oprah Winfrey. I don’t have a problem with Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. However, I draw the line at Oprah and John Tesh. That’s just wrong and unnatural.

I can forgive Steven Seagal for allegedly having sex slaves. I’m still working on not holding a grudge for Black Dawn, Belly of the Beast, Out of Reach, Submerged, Kill Switch, Urban Justice, Pistol Whipped, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill and his entire musical career.

You can now buy “Avatar” cupcakes and sheet cakes at Kroger. I’m so glad director James Cameron decided not to trivialize his movie about the evils of predatory capitalism. I traveled in a Hot Tub Time Machine and all I got was a lousy Morlock… and a rash.

Has anyone bought an iPad? Who says we don’t have progress? It used to be that with a $1,000 personal computer and streaming audio, you could duplicate the experience of a $10 transistor radio. Now, with a $500 iPad and the iBookstore, you can duplicate the experience of a $20 book. And if you have a dog or cat, you can duplicate the experience of a $5 chew toy.

The KFC Double Down sandwich consists of cheese, mayonnaise, bacon between two slabs of fried chicken. Do you want fries or a defibrillator with that?

The director of the CIA says we’re making progress against Al-Qaeda. No word on whether this will have any effect on the running bet between Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden over which one will die in bed first.

Twenty-nine people died in the mining disaster in West Virginia. It’s refreshing to see a Richmond company killing people with something other than tobacco.

The Treasury Department has redesigned the $100 bill. One innovation: pre-folding them so they’re easier to place on stripper g-strings.

After years of believing one of the Jonas Brothers is the Antichrist, it’s tough to adjust to the possibility it might be Justin Bieber. Kim Kardashian says she has Bieber fever. And I thought she just had herpes.

Those “you might be a redneck jokes are so unoriginal.” I’m starting a new riff: you might be a Hooters waitress. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and serve chicken wings. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and wear orange shorts. OK, it’s a work in progress.

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