The Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem

Posted: June 5, 2010 in Transcripts
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Transcript of my May 31, 2010 set:

I’d like to thank David Marie-Garland for taking time off from his job as the Travelocity gnome for this important event. Jared Cullum was able to make it, even though he’s prepping for his Kiekagards of Comedy tour with Thomas Merton, Martin Buber and Paul Tillich. Jared is the first comedian to ever be skeptical about organized religion. Breakthrough stuff. Let’s hear it for Ray Bullock, the Vin Diesel of Richmond comedy. Unlike Ray Bullock, Vin Diesel actually has a career. James Paulk is here. He’s a landscaper. Is that what they’re calling pot farming these days? Kenny Wingle gave Blake Midgette a blanket as a going-away present. Don’t you hate those regifters. Thanks to Joe Hafkey for acting as roastmaster for this event. Remember, it’s not just random shouting, it’s performance art. Watch for Joe in the upcoming made-for-tv movie Obama says his eleven-year-old daughter, Malia comes into his bathroom every morning and asks, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy.” That’s interesting, because that’s what Jeff Curran’s daughter asks him every morning in his bathroom. Let it sink in. Jeff does. Hey, if you want good clean humor, watch “The Artistocrats.”

This is a roast for Blake Midgette, or as some people refer to him, the Chris Farley for the New American Century. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette and John Belushi? John Belushi’s liver is in better shape. What’s the difference between Bob Saget and Blake Midgette? Blake Midgette wanted to fuck the Olsen twins when they were twelve and Bob Saget actually fucked the Olsen twins when they were twelve. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette’s day job as a dog groomer and his night job as a comedian? During the day, he has to deal with dog’s assholes. At night, he has to deal with comedians – assholes who are dogs. Let’s put Blake Midgette into historical perspective. The last time a bearded guy fucked Richmond, Virginia this hard was 1865.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting my own riff: you might be Blake Midgette if… You might be Blake Midgette if you wrote to Baskin-Robbins ice cream and asked them to make “taint” one of their 31 flavors. You might be Blake Midgette if you have the Virginia STD hotline on speed dial. You might Blake Midgette if the Double Down is your favorite sandwich — AND your favorite sexual position. You might be Blake Midgette if you’re always trying to get some of that Robb Loving. You might be Blake Midgette if you think Sun Tek is Chinese for “happy ending.”

For Roman Catholics, the biggest sin is sex. For Southern Baptists, the biggest sin is alcohol. For Blake Midgette, the biggest sin is no sex or alcohol. Blake once had an Epiphany on LSD but he dumped her for an Emily.

I’m not saying Blake’s been in some nasty vaginas but they’re making a reality tv series about his sex life called “Deadliest Snatches.” You might think a “junk shot” is when they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the BP blowout preventer. Actually, a “junk shot” is what Blake gets at the Fan Free Clinic. I’m not saying Blake has issues with his father but I have it on good authority that when he’s having sex, instead of saying “Who’s your daddy?” he says, “Where’s my daddy?”

Three rules for Austin comedians. Rule number 1: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 2: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 3: Do not follow Blake Midgette. There is an advantage to following Blake Midgette, however. Everything you say will seem normal, no matter how vile or filthy. After all, you’re following a guy who uses mouth-raping a toddler as a punchline. I’d like to thank Blake for keeping the memory of Taylor Biehl alive. I’d like to thank Blake for telling me more than I really wamted to know about Furries, Juggalos, cougars, chlamydia and fisting.

I hope everyone appreciates Blake’s many contribution to Richmond comedy. This included Super Friends Camp, a showcase for comedians. It was more fun than summer camp, especially since, unlike summer camp, there have been no reports of anyone getting molested — yet. The drawback of Blake’s stand-up is that his subject matter and dynamic performance overshadow his excellent writing. It was always a blast to see Blake turn in a stand-out performance at Cafe Diem, and then, even though it didn’t seem possible, take it to a whole other level two weeks later. I hate to see Blake go but I understand that he needs to move on, either to grow as an artist or to avoid paying child support, whichever is the more plausible explanation. Take care, my friend.

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