Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set June 21-30, 2010, performed at Cafe Diem, Fallout, Aztek Grill and Super Friends Camp at the New York Deli in Richmond, VA and Cozzy’s Comedy Club showcase in Newport News, VA.

I just flew in from the Gulf of Mexico and, boy, are my arms tired — not to mention covered with oil. BP tried to stop the leak with a technique called a junk shot, where they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the blowout preventer. BP no longer stands for British Petroleum. Now it’s the initials for Barack’s Problem.

David Carradine as Caine in the original Kung Fu
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The oil spill is out of control. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tar ball. I was changing the oil in my car and I found a dead pelican. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. BP has tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets. Otherwise, we’re going to have to wait for the iPhone 4. Maybe there’s a cap for that. I can’t wait for the oil-battered shrimp specials at Red Lobster.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check

out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

Sausage king Jimmy Dean is dead at 81. He had an unfortunate encounter with Grinder Girl. Dean wasn’t cremated. So much for “out of the frying pan, into the fire.” It was an open skillet funeral service. Dean was buried in a giant biscuit smothered in gravy. People in the south are really upset. The flag has been flying at half mast at Cracker Barrels across the country. Gary Coleman was cremated. Unfortunately, a funeral attendant sneezed so there weren’t any ashes left to scatter. What do you call a cremation urn in Sudan. A Manute Bol.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

Jamie Lee Curtis celebrated Father’s Day. She was really surprised when all the gifts are for her. I took the Activia Challenge. It didn’t turn me into a movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back. Bad news: the FTC just forced Kellog’s to withdraw their claim that Rice Krispies. They did so on the advice of their head nutritionist, Count Chocula. The good news: Rice Crispies now have 50 percent more crackle.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

Anyone watching the World Cup? There’s a fine line between narcolepsy and World Cup Fever.

Elton John, English singer-songwriter and pian...
Image via Wikipedia

Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler was at the Landmark Theater Saturday. I like to think of Chelsea as a one-schtick pony like Lisa Lampanelli. On second thought, given that she slept with her boss at the E! cable channel, maybe she’s a one-trick pony too. Elton John just performed for $1 million at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. Apparently he also played piano.

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