Archive for July, 2010

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Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set in the first two weeks of July, 2010 at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Aztek Grill, the Funny Bone and the 9:55 Comedy Club.

By applause: who’s on Team Edward? By applause: who’s on Team Jacob? By applause: who’s on Team I don’t give a rat’s ass?

BP decided they weren’t unpopular enough so they started burning endangered sea turtles alive. They did so on the advice of their public relations consultant, Adolph Hitler. The former CEO of BP had to resign after lying about a gay affair with a Canadian. Offshore drilling keeps getting BP in trouble.

Everyone enjoy their Fourth of July? I always have a tough time when people sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” When they reach the verse about “the bombs bursting in air,” I get flashbacks to my previous stand-up performances. This is a great crowd. I did an open mic at Cozzy’s Comedy Club in Newport News, Virginia last week. I’m not saying it was a tough crowd but I cleared that room like the Marines in Fallujah.

During the American Revolution,, the American commander at the Battle of Bunker Hill said, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of the British eyes — or the stains on their teeth.” The Hessians were disappointed in the outcome of the Revolutionary War. Any time Germans don’t kill six million Jews in a war, they get frustrated. They sent Arnold Schwarzenegger forward in time to assassinate Elena Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee, at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. However, they got the coordinates wrong and he wound up killing the state of California instead. We’ve made a lot of progress in America since 1776. Back then, Thomas Jefferson owned black women. Today, Elliot Spitzer just rents them.

Some people fire off guns into the air to celebrate the Fourth. Dick Cheney doesn’t approve because he thinks that’s a waste of perfectly good ammo when you can shoot someone in the face. Dick Cheney just hospitalized for discomfort. It turns out Al Gore offered him an abdominal massage. Sarah Palin has signed up for a reality tv show about hunting. It’s going to be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

July 1 was Canada Day. I like to think of Canada as America’s Mini-Me. If Canada is so great, why did 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam rather than move there.

Thailand is cool. At Family Dollar Stores in Thailand, you can actually buy a family for a dollar. Do you know why zombie pot smokers like Mexico? Because if they get the munchies, there are plenty of Brownies around.

The country marked the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. Janet Jackson flew her implants at half mast. General David Petraeus fainted at a congressional hearing. It turns out had General Stanley McChrystal’s foot stuck in his mouth. Rioting at the G-20 Conference in Toronto, Canada. Boring. I’m waiting for rioting at the G-spot Conference to get excited. A horse threw Prince Harry at a New York polo match. That’s what he gets for engaging in horseplay with his stepmother, Camilla Bowles. Russian president Dimtry Medvedev turned down Steve Jobs’ offer of an iPhone. He pointed out even Soviet Union had better cell phone reception than AT&T. The Hardy wildfire in Arizona is under control. If it had been the Ed Hardy wildfire, firemen would have had to put douche nozzles on their hoses.

Sex is confusing. I’m still trying to get the hang of auto-erotic asphyxiation. A lot of my blind dates have been disasters — especially that blowjob from the seeing eye dog.