Archive for the ‘Transcripts’ Category

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set in the first two weeks of July, 2010 at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Aztek Grill, the Funny Bone and the 9:55 Comedy Club.

By applause: who’s on Team Edward? By applause: who’s on Team Jacob? By applause: who’s on Team I don’t give a rat’s ass?

BP decided they weren’t unpopular enough so they started burning endangered sea turtles alive. They did so on the advice of their public relations consultant, Adolph Hitler. The former CEO of BP had to resign after lying about a gay affair with a Canadian. Offshore drilling keeps getting BP in trouble.

Everyone enjoy their Fourth of July? I always have a tough time when people sing “The Star-Spangled Banner.” When they reach the verse about “the bombs bursting in air,” I get flashbacks to my previous stand-up performances. This is a great crowd. I did an open mic at Cozzy’s Comedy Club in Newport News, Virginia last week. I’m not saying it was a tough crowd but I cleared that room like the Marines in Fallujah.

During the American Revolution,, the American commander at the Battle of Bunker Hill said, “Don’t fire until you see the whites of the British eyes — or the stains on their teeth.” The Hessians were disappointed in the outcome of the Revolutionary War. Any time Germans don’t kill six million Jews in a war, they get frustrated. They sent Arnold Schwarzenegger forward in time to assassinate Elena Kagan, the Supreme Court nominee, at a Chinese restaurant on Christmas Day. However, they got the coordinates wrong and he wound up killing the state of California instead. We’ve made a lot of progress in America since 1776. Back then, Thomas Jefferson owned black women. Today, Elliot Spitzer just rents them.

Some people fire off guns into the air to celebrate the Fourth. Dick Cheney doesn’t approve because he thinks that’s a waste of perfectly good ammo when you can shoot someone in the face. Dick Cheney just hospitalized for discomfort. It turns out Al Gore offered him an abdominal massage. Sarah Palin has signed up for a reality tv show about hunting. It’s going to be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

July 1 was Canada Day. I like to think of Canada as America’s Mini-Me. If Canada is so great, why did 58,000 Americans died in Vietnam rather than move there.

Thailand is cool. At Family Dollar Stores in Thailand, you can actually buy a family for a dollar. Do you know why zombie pot smokers like Mexico? Because if they get the munchies, there are plenty of Brownies around.

The country marked the first anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death. Janet Jackson flew her implants at half mast. General David Petraeus fainted at a congressional hearing. It turns out had General Stanley McChrystal’s foot stuck in his mouth. Rioting at the G-20 Conference in Toronto, Canada. Boring. I’m waiting for rioting at the G-spot Conference to get excited. A horse threw Prince Harry at a New York polo match. That’s what he gets for engaging in horseplay with his stepmother, Camilla Bowles. Russian president Dimtry Medvedev turned down Steve Jobs’ offer of an iPhone. He pointed out even Soviet Union had better cell phone reception than AT&T. The Hardy wildfire in Arizona is under control. If it had been the Ed Hardy wildfire, firemen would have had to put douche nozzles on their hoses.

Sex is confusing. I’m still trying to get the hang of auto-erotic asphyxiation. A lot of my blind dates have been disasters — especially that blowjob from the seeing eye dog.

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Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set June 21-30, 2010, performed at Cafe Diem, Fallout, Aztek Grill and Super Friends Camp at the New York Deli in Richmond, VA and Cozzy’s Comedy Club showcase in Newport News, VA.

I just flew in from the Gulf of Mexico and, boy, are my arms tired — not to mention covered with oil. BP tried to stop the leak with a technique called a junk shot, where they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the blowout preventer. BP no longer stands for British Petroleum. Now it’s the initials for Barack’s Problem.

David Carradine as Caine in the original Kung Fu
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The oil spill is out of control. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tar ball. I was changing the oil in my car and I found a dead pelican. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. BP has tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets. Otherwise, we’re going to have to wait for the iPhone 4. Maybe there’s a cap for that. I can’t wait for the oil-battered shrimp specials at Red Lobster.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check

out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

Sausage king Jimmy Dean is dead at 81. He had an unfortunate encounter with Grinder Girl. Dean wasn’t cremated. So much for “out of the frying pan, into the fire.” It was an open skillet funeral service. Dean was buried in a giant biscuit smothered in gravy. People in the south are really upset. The flag has been flying at half mast at Cracker Barrels across the country. Gary Coleman was cremated. Unfortunately, a funeral attendant sneezed so there weren’t any ashes left to scatter. What do you call a cremation urn in Sudan. A Manute Bol.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

Jamie Lee Curtis celebrated Father’s Day. She was really surprised when all the gifts are for her. I took the Activia Challenge. It didn’t turn me into a movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back. Bad news: the FTC just forced Kellog’s to withdraw their claim that Rice Krispies. They did so on the advice of their head nutritionist, Count Chocula. The good news: Rice Crispies now have 50 percent more crackle.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

Anyone watching the World Cup? There’s a fine line between narcolepsy and World Cup Fever.

Elton John, English singer-songwriter and pian...
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Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler was at the Landmark Theater Saturday. I like to think of Chelsea as a one-schtick pony like Lisa Lampanelli. On second thought, given that she slept with her boss at the E! cable channel, maybe she’s a one-trick pony too. Elton John just performed for $1 million at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. Apparently he also played piano.

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My latest stand-up comedy set circa June 15, 2009 and performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, Fallout and the 9:55 Comedy Club and Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill in Richmond, Virginia and Cozzy’s Comedy Club open mic in Newport News, Virginia.

I did stand-up comedy at a sushi restaurant called Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia recently. The last time anyone bombed that badly in Petersburg was 1864, when the Union Army blew a 155-foot crater in Confederate lines, killing 300 men.

Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Gore
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Al and Tipper Gore have broken up. Finally Al has an reason to eat for just two people instead of three. The final straw in their marriage was when Al stuck a fork in Tipper while trying to get the last slice of bacon at breakfast. If Al gets any fatter, they’re going to tow him out to the Gulf of Mexico and lower him over the BP oil well blowout.

The Texas Board of Education wanted to rename the slave trade the “Atlantic triangular trade.” It turns out that the ovens at Auschwitz were actually tanning beds. A lot of people in Mississippi are confused and disappointed when they watch a Harry Potter movie. They think they’re going to see a film about wizards.

The oil spill is getting out of hand. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tarball. They’ve tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

My favorite television journalist used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. I used to listen to Young Jeezy but now I watch Old Swayze. We know the Wu Tangs have a clan but what about the Ting Tings. I may be thinking outside the box, but has the phrase jumping the shark jumped the shark? I challenge everyone to say Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader rapidly and repeatedly.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting a new riff based on horror movies. You might be a

zombie if you crave brains.You might be a werewolf if you have more back hair than Ed Asner. You might be a vampire if you suck harder than Dane Cook.

The Super Bowl will be played in New Jersey in 2014. The losing team will be buried underneath the 40-yard line. Jimmy Hoffa said that joke would kill.

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Vin Diesel at the Fast & Furious premiere at L...
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Transcript of my May 31, 2010 set:

I’d like to thank David Marie-Garland for taking time off from his job as the Travelocity gnome for this important event. Jared Cullum was able to make it, even though he’s prepping for his Kiekagards of Comedy tour with Thomas Merton, Martin Buber and Paul Tillich. Jared is the first comedian to ever be skeptical about organized religion. Breakthrough stuff. Let’s hear it for Ray Bullock, the Vin Diesel of Richmond comedy. Unlike Ray Bullock, Vin Diesel actually has a career. James Paulk is here. He’s a landscaper. Is that what they’re calling pot farming these days? Kenny Wingle gave Blake Midgette a blanket as a going-away present. Don’t you hate those regifters. Thanks to Joe Hafkey for acting as roastmaster for this event. Remember, it’s not just random shouting, it’s performance art. Watch for Joe in the upcoming made-for-tv movie Obama says his eleven-year-old daughter, Malia comes into his bathroom every morning and asks, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy.” That’s interesting, because that’s what Jeff Curran’s daughter asks him every morning in his bathroom. Let it sink in. Jeff does. Hey, if you want good clean humor, watch “The Artistocrats.”

This is a roast for Blake Midgette, or as some people refer to him, the Chris Farley for the New American Century. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette and John Belushi? John Belushi’s liver is in better shape. What’s the difference between Bob Saget and Blake Midgette? Blake Midgette wanted to fuck the Olsen twins when they were twelve and Bob Saget actually fucked the Olsen twins when they were twelve. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette’s day job as a dog groomer and his night job as a comedian? During the day, he has to deal with dog’s assholes. At night, he has to deal with comedians – assholes who are dogs. Let’s put Blake Midgette into historical perspective. The last time a bearded guy fucked Richmond, Virginia this hard was 1865.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting my own riff: you might be Blake Midgette if… You might be Blake Midgette if you wrote to Baskin-Robbins ice cream and asked them to make “taint” one of their 31 flavors. You might be Blake Midgette if you have the Virginia STD hotline on speed dial. You might Blake Midgette if the Double Down is your favorite sandwich — AND your favorite sexual position. You might be Blake Midgette if you’re always trying to get some of that Robb Loving. You might be Blake Midgette if you think Sun Tek is Chinese for “happy ending.”

For Roman Catholics, the biggest sin is sex. For Southern Baptists, the biggest sin is alcohol. For Blake Midgette, the biggest sin is no sex or alcohol. Blake once had an Epiphany on LSD but he dumped her for an Emily.

I’m not saying Blake’s been in some nasty vaginas but they’re making a reality tv series about his sex life called “Deadliest Snatches.” You might think a “junk shot” is when they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the BP blowout preventer. Actually, a “junk shot” is what Blake gets at the Fan Free Clinic. I’m not saying Blake has issues with his father but I have it on good authority that when he’s having sex, instead of saying “Who’s your daddy?” he says, “Where’s my daddy?”

Three rules for Austin comedians. Rule number 1: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 2: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 3: Do not follow Blake Midgette. There is an advantage to following Blake Midgette, however. Everything you say will seem normal, no matter how vile or filthy. After all, you’re following a guy who uses mouth-raping a toddler as a punchline. I’d like to thank Blake for keeping the memory of Taylor Biehl alive. I’d like to thank Blake for telling me more than I really wamted to know about Furries, Juggalos, cougars, chlamydia and fisting.

I hope everyone appreciates Blake’s many contribution to Richmond comedy. This included Super Friends Camp, a showcase for comedians. It was more fun than summer camp, especially since, unlike summer camp, there have been no reports of anyone getting molested — yet. The drawback of Blake’s stand-up is that his subject matter and dynamic performance overshadow his excellent writing. It was always a blast to see Blake turn in a stand-out performance at Cafe Diem, and then, even though it didn’t seem possible, take it to a whole other level two weeks later. I hate to see Blake go but I understand that he needs to move on, either to grow as an artist or to avoid paying child support, whichever is the more plausible explanation. Take care, my friend.

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Cover of "Black Dawn"
Cover of Black Dawn

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set at Cameldy 3.5, Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and K-9 Comedy @ City Dogs.

I finally realized what BP stands for: “Barack’s problem.” Apparently my plan to cap the oil blowout in the Gulf with Sarah Palin is not realistic. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. I can’t wait until the oil-battered shrimp specials show up on the Red Lobster menu.

Kitty Kelly has a new book out with shocking revelations about Oprah Winfrey. I don’t have a problem with Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. However, I draw the line at Oprah and John Tesh. That’s just wrong and unnatural.

I can forgive Steven Seagal for allegedly having sex slaves. I’m still working on not holding a grudge for Black Dawn, Belly of the Beast, Out of Reach, Submerged, Kill Switch, Urban Justice, Pistol Whipped, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill and his entire musical career.

You can now buy “Avatar” cupcakes and sheet cakes at Kroger. I’m so glad director James Cameron decided not to trivialize his movie about the evils of predatory capitalism. I traveled in a Hot Tub Time Machine and all I got was a lousy Morlock… and a rash.

Has anyone bought an iPad? Who says we don’t have progress? It used to be that with a $1,000 personal computer and streaming audio, you could duplicate the experience of a $10 transistor radio. Now, with a $500 iPad and the iBookstore, you can duplicate the experience of a $20 book. And if you have a dog or cat, you can duplicate the experience of a $5 chew toy.

The KFC Double Down sandwich consists of cheese, mayonnaise, bacon between two slabs of fried chicken. Do you want fries or a defibrillator with that?

The director of the CIA says we’re making progress against Al-Qaeda. No word on whether this will have any effect on the running bet between Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden over which one will die in bed first.

Twenty-nine people died in the mining disaster in West Virginia. It’s refreshing to see a Richmond company killing people with something other than tobacco.

The Treasury Department has redesigned the $100 bill. One innovation: pre-folding them so they’re easier to place on stripper g-strings.

After years of believing one of the Jonas Brothers is the Antichrist, it’s tough to adjust to the possibility it might be Justin Bieber. Kim Kardashian says she has Bieber fever. And I thought she just had herpes.

Those “you might be a redneck jokes are so unoriginal.” I’m starting a new riff: you might be a Hooters waitress. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and serve chicken wings. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and wear orange shorts. OK, it’s a work in progress.

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Jay Leno, host of the Tonight Show. Cropped fr...
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Transcript of my most recent stand-up comedy set, performed while MCing at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and others.

Not to mention covered with volcanic ash. Sarah Silverman’s not-so-secret shame is bedwetting. My not-so-secret shame is volcano jokes. I’m not going to see “Kick-Ass the movie.” I’m waiting for “Kick-Ass the Kick-Ass.” Meanwhile, “Kick Ash the Volcano” is a big hit in Iceland. The Smoke Monster is upset because the Iceland volcano is blowing up bigger in the media than he is, so he told the volcano to kiss his ash. The bad news: the neighboring Katla volcano in Iceland could blow at any moment. The good news: Katla is easier to pronounce than Eyjafjallajokull. Hey, they all can’t be comedy gold, people.

I don’t know about you but I sleep a lot better at night knowing that Jay Leno is back on the Tonight Show.

King Tut just arrived in New York City. He plans to get tips on self-preservation from another King – Larry. The Cardinals and the Mets just played baseball for nearly seven hours. That’s longer than some of Larry King’s marriages.

Let’s have a moment of silence for Brett Michaels, the lead singer of Poison and the star of “Rock of Love,” who’s fighting for his life after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage. Wait a minute, Brett Michaels has a brain? Too soon or too stupid?

Did everyone enjoy Easter? Some people believe the Easter Bunny is a mythical creature like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Change We Can Believe in. I’ve invented a new candy for atheists to hand out at Easter. They’re called Meme&Memes. They melt in your mind, not in your mouth. It’s a good thing Jesus didn’t say “Do unto others as they have done unto you.” Otherwise, there’d be a lot of sodomized priests.

An Iranian cleric warned that women who dress immodestly cause earthquakes. The US Geological Survey has issued a Snooki Level alert for the entire East Coast. A Muslim group told the creators of “South Park” they might wind up dead for blaspheming against Mohammed. Just to show they’re serious, they killed Kenny. French president Nicolas Sarkozy wants legislators to ban the full veil. If he really wanted to popular, he’d call for outlawing the muffin-top and pants-on-the ground.

Kate Gosselin has left “Dancing with the Stars,” but not before astronaut Buzz Aldrin got her pregnant. Hey, after you’ve planted a flag on the moon, planting an embryo in Kate is child’s play.

A lot of people are down on Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, the model who had an affair with Jesse James. Look on the bright side: we finally have a homewrecker with more tattoos than Angelina Jolie.

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Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, circa March 29, 2010

Performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Cameldy at the Camel, That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout in Richmond, Virginia and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg.

My blind dates have been disasters. I’m thinking about that blow job from a seeing eye dog in particular.

Has anyone seen the new commercial for Viagra? I’m not a doctor but if your reflection in a window talks to you, you may have a bigger problem than erectile dysfunction.

Police captured a coyote in Manhattan, but not before David Letterman spotted him eating a squirrel’s nuts in Central Park. It’s been a rough winter. How rough? I actually saw an intern burying David Letterman’s nuts in Central Park. A sushi restaurant in Santa Monica called Hump has apologized for serving whale. They still have camel toe on the menu, however.

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur related to the Velociraptor. It was immediately offered a job on CNN, which wants to attract an younger demographic than the audience for  “Larry King Live.”

Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei – and Jesse James.

I got a letter that said President Barack Obama was requesting my immediate response to the 2010 Presidential survey. “You are a part of a select group of leaders who have been chosen to participate in this survey.” Yeah, right. It was bad enough when I was getting scam letters from Nigerians. Now I’m getting scam letters from Kenyans.

Congress finally passed a health care plan. Jon Stewart had called the Democrats a bunch of pussies – which is a slander on vaginas everywhere. If you screw around with a vagina, you get results in nine months. It took the Democrats 14 months of screwing around with health care to get results. There have been threats and violence after Congress passed the health care plan. In particular, an ugly incident in which that thing on top of Minority Whip Eric Cantor’s head attacked Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s just wrong. Shouldn’t they be selling for three-fifths the price of a white Barbie. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep?

Fess Parker, who played Davy Crockett for Walt Disney is dead at 85. He’s best known for serving as the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair piece. Abba was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I thought Neil Young said that Rock and Roll would never die. That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thank you very much.

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