Posts Tagged ‘Cafe Diem’

The Official Blake Midgette Roast

Blake Midgette addresses the crowd at the Official Blake Midgette Roast

The Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem, Richmond, VA, May 31, 2010. From left, Blake Midgette, Ray Bullock and Jared Cullum. Photo by Chris Martin.

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Vin Diesel at the Fast & Furious premiere at L...
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Transcript of my May 31, 2010 set:

I’d like to thank David Marie-Garland for taking time off from his job as the Travelocity gnome for this important event. Jared Cullum was able to make it, even though he’s prepping for his Kiekagards of Comedy tour with Thomas Merton, Martin Buber and Paul Tillich. Jared is the first comedian to ever be skeptical about organized religion. Breakthrough stuff. Let’s hear it for Ray Bullock, the Vin Diesel of Richmond comedy. Unlike Ray Bullock, Vin Diesel actually has a career. James Paulk is here. He’s a landscaper. Is that what they’re calling pot farming these days? Kenny Wingle gave Blake Midgette a blanket as a going-away present. Don’t you hate those regifters. Thanks to Joe Hafkey for acting as roastmaster for this event. Remember, it’s not just random shouting, it’s performance art. Watch for Joe in the upcoming made-for-tv movie Obama says his eleven-year-old daughter, Malia comes into his bathroom every morning and asks, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy.” That’s interesting, because that’s what Jeff Curran’s daughter asks him every morning in his bathroom. Let it sink in. Jeff does. Hey, if you want good clean humor, watch “The Artistocrats.”

This is a roast for Blake Midgette, or as some people refer to him, the Chris Farley for the New American Century. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette and John Belushi? John Belushi’s liver is in better shape. What’s the difference between Bob Saget and Blake Midgette? Blake Midgette wanted to fuck the Olsen twins when they were twelve and Bob Saget actually fucked the Olsen twins when they were twelve. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette’s day job as a dog groomer and his night job as a comedian? During the day, he has to deal with dog’s assholes. At night, he has to deal with comedians – assholes who are dogs. Let’s put Blake Midgette into historical perspective. The last time a bearded guy fucked Richmond, Virginia this hard was 1865.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting my own riff: you might be Blake Midgette if… You might be Blake Midgette if you wrote to Baskin-Robbins ice cream and asked them to make “taint” one of their 31 flavors. You might be Blake Midgette if you have the Virginia STD hotline on speed dial. You might Blake Midgette if the Double Down is your favorite sandwich — AND your favorite sexual position. You might be Blake Midgette if you’re always trying to get some of that Robb Loving. You might be Blake Midgette if you think Sun Tek is Chinese for “happy ending.”

For Roman Catholics, the biggest sin is sex. For Southern Baptists, the biggest sin is alcohol. For Blake Midgette, the biggest sin is no sex or alcohol. Blake once had an Epiphany on LSD but he dumped her for an Emily.

I’m not saying Blake’s been in some nasty vaginas but they’re making a reality tv series about his sex life called “Deadliest Snatches.” You might think a “junk shot” is when they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the BP blowout preventer. Actually, a “junk shot” is what Blake gets at the Fan Free Clinic. I’m not saying Blake has issues with his father but I have it on good authority that when he’s having sex, instead of saying “Who’s your daddy?” he says, “Where’s my daddy?”

Three rules for Austin comedians. Rule number 1: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 2: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 3: Do not follow Blake Midgette. There is an advantage to following Blake Midgette, however. Everything you say will seem normal, no matter how vile or filthy. After all, you’re following a guy who uses mouth-raping a toddler as a punchline. I’d like to thank Blake for keeping the memory of Taylor Biehl alive. I’d like to thank Blake for telling me more than I really wamted to know about Furries, Juggalos, cougars, chlamydia and fisting.

I hope everyone appreciates Blake’s many contribution to Richmond comedy. This included Super Friends Camp, a showcase for comedians. It was more fun than summer camp, especially since, unlike summer camp, there have been no reports of anyone getting molested — yet. The drawback of Blake’s stand-up is that his subject matter and dynamic performance overshadow his excellent writing. It was always a blast to see Blake turn in a stand-out performance at Cafe Diem, and then, even though it didn’t seem possible, take it to a whole other level two weeks later. I hate to see Blake go but I understand that he needs to move on, either to grow as an artist or to avoid paying child support, whichever is the more plausible explanation. Take care, my friend.

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A pensive Blake Midgette during a break while shooting a sketch for "The Undergrads

The calm before the storm: stand-up comedian Blake Midgette looks pensive during a break in filming a sketch for The Undergrads. Tonight is the Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem in Richmond, Virginia.

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the saddest clown in town

Brown Frown the Clown at Cafe Diem Comedy Night

Brown Frown the Clown brings his patented blend of existential dread and stand-up comedy to the Official Blake Midgette Roast Monday at Cafe Diem in Richmond, Virginia. Photo by Chris Martin

Schmap for the Official Blake Midgette Roast

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Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, circa March 29, 2010

Performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Cameldy at the Camel, That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout in Richmond, Virginia and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg.

My blind dates have been disasters. I’m thinking about that blow job from a seeing eye dog in particular.

Has anyone seen the new commercial for Viagra? I’m not a doctor but if your reflection in a window talks to you, you may have a bigger problem than erectile dysfunction.

Police captured a coyote in Manhattan, but not before David Letterman spotted him eating a squirrel’s nuts in Central Park. It’s been a rough winter. How rough? I actually saw an intern burying David Letterman’s nuts in Central Park. A sushi restaurant in Santa Monica called Hump has apologized for serving whale. They still have camel toe on the menu, however.

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur related to the Velociraptor. It was immediately offered a job on CNN, which wants to attract an younger demographic than the audience for  “Larry King Live.”

Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei – and Jesse James.

I got a letter that said President Barack Obama was requesting my immediate response to the 2010 Presidential survey. “You are a part of a select group of leaders who have been chosen to participate in this survey.” Yeah, right. It was bad enough when I was getting scam letters from Nigerians. Now I’m getting scam letters from Kenyans.

Congress finally passed a health care plan. Jon Stewart had called the Democrats a bunch of pussies – which is a slander on vaginas everywhere. If you screw around with a vagina, you get results in nine months. It took the Democrats 14 months of screwing around with health care to get results. There have been threats and violence after Congress passed the health care plan. In particular, an ugly incident in which that thing on top of Minority Whip Eric Cantor’s head attacked Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s just wrong. Shouldn’t they be selling for three-fifths the price of a white Barbie. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep?

Fess Parker, who played Davy Crockett for Walt Disney is dead at 85. He’s best known for serving as the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair piece. Abba was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I thought Neil Young said that Rock and Roll would never die. That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thank you very much.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt, January 2008
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Performed at Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night March 15, opening for The Recliners March 19 and That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout  March 23, 2010

Mike Sorrentino of “Jersey Shore” calls his stomach “The Situation” because his abs are ripped. I’m thinking about calling my stomach “The Doughnut” because my abs are a doughy blob of fat with a hole in the middle.

Nightline interviewed the killer whale at Sea World. He claims he’s nearsighted and mistook his trainer for a penguin. An honest mistake. He’s apologized and is going back into rehab to treat his addiction to penguins. My goldfish lunged at me when I tried to feed it. Damn, I hate these copycat killers.

I was curious about the Olympic biathalon. Imagine my disappointment when I found out Tila Tequila wouldn’t be competing.

Tiger Woods hired former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer to do public, er, public relations. Insert your own bush joke here. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were robbed at the Academy Awards. They should have won an Oscar for producing “The Hurt Locker.” If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: director James Cameron will team up with director Kathryn Bigelow for a war movie about blue people called “The Smurf Locker.” Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for “Crazy Heart” but that still doesn’t make up for “Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.” Watching “Crazy Heart” would be a bad trip for me: too many Kris Kristofferson flashbacks. Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei’s. Anyone see Mo’Nique’s hairy legs. She’s just getting ready for her new movie, “An American Werewolf in LA.”

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Damn, I thought that was going to be a love for the ages like Romeo and Juliet, Abelard and Heloise, Percy and Mary Shelley, Robert and Elizabeth Barret Browning and Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.

Critics say former Congressman Eric Massa is a loose cannon but are they engaged in Massa-baiting? It looks like Congress will pass a health care plan. It’s probably better than Sarah Palin’s health care plan. If you get sick, you’re stranded on an ice floe. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality tv series around. It’ll include footage of her hunting in Alaska and will be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

Toyota microphone. My neighbor has a Toyota Camry with bundles of Nation of Islam literature with Louis Farrakhan on the cover in the back seat. Maybe the car only crashes in white people?

Naomi Campbell accused of assaulting her limo driver. Her spokesman said there’s more to the story than meets the eye. Probably more to the story than meets the nose. The Reverend Al Sharpton held a meeting to discuss New York governor David Paterson’s scandals. Excuse me, is that the pot calling the kettle black?

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep? The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven just died. No word yet on whether he’s going to be cremated and whether it will take two-and-half days.

Saint Patrick’s Day is Wednesday. Let’s celebrate a thousand years of alcoholism, famine, oppression, fratricide, superstition and hypocrisy. I hope everyone enters into the true spirit of the day by sodomizing an altar boy. I’m praying this is the year Saint Patrick finally drives the pythons out of Florida. Thank you. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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I’ve been busy recently so I haven’t haven’t written in the blog lately. Last week, it was the first open mic at Fallout in Shockoe Bottom Tuesday. Kudos to Dave Hamrick for increasing  opportunities for comics to practice their craft. Joe Hafkey of Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night was the MC. Jared Cullum worked out some new jokes before moving on to another gig. Kelly Henderson had a good set about breaking down on the Jeff Davis Highway. I had a chance to converse with Jesse Jarvis, who rooms with Roy Rogers (not that Roy Rogers — we should start a support group for people who share famous first names). A good time was held by all and a good vibe, a community feeling in the room. Attendance was light, mostly comedians, but I’m sure that will pick up with time. I was able to do the first five minutes of my set-to-be at artspace.

Friday, it was a stand-up comedy benefit for artspace, a non-profit member-run gallery at Plant Zero. Organizer Santa De Haven went all out, complete with a “green room,”  amply stocked cooler and programs.  Mike Bonura  did his swan song before moving on to the Marines. I was next and did 10 minutes without blanking and forgetting my lines, unlike the first time I did 10 minutes at Paradox Comedy’s “Motel Hell” Halloween Celebration.  Michal Ketner did about 20 minutes, including a nice bit about becoming the lead singer for Aerosmith, Collin Chute (a 20-year-old who actually knows who Bob Dylan is!) and Tom Via  rounded out the evening with musical comedy about relationships. We did a run-through and evidently the preparation paid off. The chemistry between performers was good and the audience of around 50 was appreciative. The event raised a nice sum for the gallery.

It was good to see Camille Bird, the MC, who has been sorely missed from the Richmond comedy scene, taking a break after co-founding the Comic-Kazze open mics. The bad news is that that was when my cold really started to kick in.

Coming back from a non-existent pre-performance meeting at the New York Deli (I really should read my emails more closely) in the Hurricane Ida backwash, I ran over some glass in the alley. Fortunately, according to an Agee’s Bicycle  inspection, the damage was not enough that I had to replace the tire, which was a source of concern since I was planning to cycle all the way downtown and across the bridge to Manchester for the artspace benefit.

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