Posts Tagged ‘Chris Martin’

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set June 21-30, 2010, performed at Cafe Diem, Fallout, Aztek Grill and Super Friends Camp at the New York Deli in Richmond, VA and Cozzy’s Comedy Club showcase in Newport News, VA.

I just flew in from the Gulf of Mexico and, boy, are my arms tired — not to mention covered with oil. BP tried to stop the leak with a technique called a junk shot, where they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the blowout preventer. BP no longer stands for British Petroleum. Now it’s the initials for Barack’s Problem.

David Carradine as Caine in the original Kung Fu
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The oil spill is out of control. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tar ball. I was changing the oil in my car and I found a dead pelican. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. BP has tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets. Otherwise, we’re going to have to wait for the iPhone 4. Maybe there’s a cap for that. I can’t wait for the oil-battered shrimp specials at Red Lobster.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check

out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

Sausage king Jimmy Dean is dead at 81. He had an unfortunate encounter with Grinder Girl. Dean wasn’t cremated. So much for “out of the frying pan, into the fire.” It was an open skillet funeral service. Dean was buried in a giant biscuit smothered in gravy. People in the south are really upset. The flag has been flying at half mast at Cracker Barrels across the country. Gary Coleman was cremated. Unfortunately, a funeral attendant sneezed so there weren’t any ashes left to scatter. What do you call a cremation urn in Sudan. A Manute Bol.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

Jamie Lee Curtis celebrated Father’s Day. She was really surprised when all the gifts are for her. I took the Activia Challenge. It didn’t turn me into a movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back. Bad news: the FTC just forced Kellog’s to withdraw their claim that Rice Krispies. They did so on the advice of their head nutritionist, Count Chocula. The good news: Rice Crispies now have 50 percent more crackle.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

Anyone watching the World Cup? There’s a fine line between narcolepsy and World Cup Fever.

Elton John, English singer-songwriter and pian...
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Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler was at the Landmark Theater Saturday. I like to think of Chelsea as a one-schtick pony like Lisa Lampanelli. On second thought, given that she slept with her boss at the E! cable channel, maybe she’s a one-trick pony too. Elton John just performed for $1 million at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. Apparently he also played piano.

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My latest stand-up comedy set circa June 15, 2009 and performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, Fallout and the 9:55 Comedy Club and Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill in Richmond, Virginia and Cozzy’s Comedy Club open mic in Newport News, Virginia.

I did stand-up comedy at a sushi restaurant called Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia recently. The last time anyone bombed that badly in Petersburg was 1864, when the Union Army blew a 155-foot crater in Confederate lines, killing 300 men.

Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Gore
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Al and Tipper Gore have broken up. Finally Al has an reason to eat for just two people instead of three. The final straw in their marriage was when Al stuck a fork in Tipper while trying to get the last slice of bacon at breakfast. If Al gets any fatter, they’re going to tow him out to the Gulf of Mexico and lower him over the BP oil well blowout.

The Texas Board of Education wanted to rename the slave trade the “Atlantic triangular trade.” It turns out that the ovens at Auschwitz were actually tanning beds. A lot of people in Mississippi are confused and disappointed when they watch a Harry Potter movie. They think they’re going to see a film about wizards.

The oil spill is getting out of hand. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tarball. They’ve tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

My favorite television journalist used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. I used to listen to Young Jeezy but now I watch Old Swayze. We know the Wu Tangs have a clan but what about the Ting Tings. I may be thinking outside the box, but has the phrase jumping the shark jumped the shark? I challenge everyone to say Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader rapidly and repeatedly.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting a new riff based on horror movies. You might be a

zombie if you crave brains.You might be a werewolf if you have more back hair than Ed Asner. You might be a vampire if you suck harder than Dane Cook.

The Super Bowl will be played in New Jersey in 2014. The losing team will be buried underneath the 40-yard line. Jimmy Hoffa said that joke would kill.

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MC at Cozzy's Comedy Club in Newport News

David C. Wingfield on the mic

John Reaves, Patrick McCarthy, David Marie-Garland and I went down to the open mic at Cozzy’s Comedy Club in Newport News, Virginia Thursday. RVA’s own David C. Wingfield was the MC. The open mic used to be only on the first Thursday of the month but has now expanded to first and third Thursdays.

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Poster by Jared Cullum

Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill poster

Odyssey Michaels presents Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill. Poster by Jared Cullum. Featuring Alex Scott and Jared Cullum with Joe Hafkey, Lee Willis and Chris Martin.

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At one point, I was three-and-a-half months behind on posting videos of my stand-up comedy sets on the Internet. By dint of steady application, I got to the point where I was only two weeks behind. I was almost feeling depressed about catching up. It’s a feeling of what’s next? Actually, I still have some loose ends: uploading the rest of my videos to my Facebook fan page at http://www.artist.to/chrismartin and sorting out the remaining MP3 files to upload. My biggest priority is to figure out which MP3s to upload to iTunes, where I have over 1,400 subscribers to my podcast.

There are two schools of thought about video uploads. There’s Sarah Silverman‘s (see below). Silverman seems to feel that people who watch a crappy cellphone video won’t want to watch her HBO special. I don’t buy that. A more plausible objection is that internet video may catch work that is in progress, work that hasn’t been polished. On the other hand, there’s Russell Peters, whose career really started taking off once his work surfaced on YouTube.

My own perspective is that a lot of what I do is topical so if I don’t get it out now, it’s going to be of limited interest in the future.

Last month, I got a Sony digital recorder which I’m now using to record sets instead of stripping the audio off the video. Now it’s a matter of deciding which are the best sets out of several to upload to iTunes (I usually do the same set two or three times before retiring it).  The sound quality with the Sony recorder is better than the audio I was capturing with Canon PowerShot. My next step will be to buy a Sony stereo mic, which take the sound to the next level. Unfortunately, Last.fm discontinued on-demand streaming of tracks which I thought was the best way for indie producers to share audio content. However,  they’ve brought that feature back. SoundCloud limits the content to one hour unless you want to pay.

The good news is that Mufin.com, which is similar to Pandora and Last.fm in that it has an algorithm which allows you to discover similar content you may like, and which I recently started using, does allow on-demand streaming. Since I’ve just started recording other stand-up comedians for my label, Salty Tongue Records, with the Sony recorder, I’ll probably set up a label page at Mufin.com. I also want to start podcasting the recent tracks I’ve  recorded of stand-up comedians like Robb Loving, Bill Metzger, David Marie-Garland and Blake Midgette. The departure of Blake and Robb for Austin will leave a big hole in the Richmond and DC comedy scenes.

Also on my to-do list: taking and putting up some publicity photos, putting together a web site using Serif’s WebX2, buying a Kodak Zi8 camcorder, putting together a CD, doing some more publicity work and possibly accessorizing the computer some more.

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Krakatoa east of java
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Krakajokea, East of Java is a new joke-writing and podcast recording session for stand-up comedians in Richmond. The name is a play on a 1969 movie, “Krakatoa, East of Java.” The movie was one of the last to use the Cinerama process. In point of fact, Krakatoa is west of Java. Krakajokea explains itself. The East of Java part works because the event is held at a coffee shop, the Lamplighter Cafe & Roasting Company at 116 South Addison Street in Richmond. The cafe is on a relatively obscure side street but near the Carytown and Fan districts of Richmond. It’s a block from West Cary Street (there’s a fire station on West Cary and Addison). It’s also near the Dominion complex and the former GRTC bus barns. The sessions will be held every Sunday at 4:00 pm. The link to the Facebook group is http://groups.to/jokes. Here’s a description from the Facebook group page:

A joke-writing session every Sunday at 4:00 pm at the Lamplighter Roasting Company near Carytown and the Fan. Drink coffee instead of alcohol. In other words, it’s like an AA meeting, only less funny. Brainstorm and network with other comedians. Engage in passive-aggressive humor. Run other comedians down behind their backs. Compare yourself with other comedians and then wonder why you’re depressed. It’ll be great. Plus a live podcast will be taped at each session.

Krakajokea is an attempt to formalize impromptu joke-writing sessions which have been held in the past. The late lamented Comic Kazze stand-up comedy collective, spearheaded by Jared Cullum and Camille Bird, also held joke-writing sessions last year at Ali Baba’s restaurant on West Broad Street near VCU. That’s where I first met Jeff Curran, Richmond’s anti-Bill Cosby. Krakajokea is not intended as competition for the joke-writing sessions at the Richmond Funny Bone on Saturday. Not everybody can get out to Short Pump where the Funny Bone is and Saturday afternoon doesn’t fit everyone’s schedule.

Comedians in Richmond get together at comedy showcases and open mics but a fair amount of  them are amped up with pre-show adrenaline, not to mention over-amped background music, which doesn’t make for the most relaxed of settings for conversation. I’m hoping a non-performance setting will make for a more convivial atmosphere. I hope we’ll be able to come up with some ideas on how to take RVA comedy to the next level. Jeff recently came up with the idea for a Richmond comedian’s softball team so maybe we’ll be able to discuss ways to make that happen.

Comedians in Richmond listen to podcasts such as “WTF” and “Never Not Funny.” As far as I know, none of them are actually producing them, so this is also a chance for us to get out of the consumer mode and into the creative mode. I’ve had some interesting and stimulating discussions with Richmond comedians, which, looking back, I’d wish I could have recorded

The Official Blake Midgette Roast

Blake Midgette addresses the crowd at the Official Blake Midgette Roast

The Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem, Richmond, VA, May 31, 2010. From left, Blake Midgette, Ray Bullock and Jared Cullum. Photo by Chris Martin.

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