Posts Tagged ‘comedian’

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set June 21-30, 2010, performed at Cafe Diem, Fallout, Aztek Grill and Super Friends Camp at the New York Deli in Richmond, VA and Cozzy’s Comedy Club showcase in Newport News, VA.

I just flew in from the Gulf of Mexico and, boy, are my arms tired — not to mention covered with oil. BP tried to stop the leak with a technique called a junk shot, where they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the blowout preventer. BP no longer stands for British Petroleum. Now it’s the initials for Barack’s Problem.

David Carradine as Caine in the original Kung Fu
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The oil spill is out of control. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tar ball. I was changing the oil in my car and I found a dead pelican. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. BP has tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets. Otherwise, we’re going to have to wait for the iPhone 4. Maybe there’s a cap for that. I can’t wait for the oil-battered shrimp specials at Red Lobster.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check

out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

Sausage king Jimmy Dean is dead at 81. He had an unfortunate encounter with Grinder Girl. Dean wasn’t cremated. So much for “out of the frying pan, into the fire.” It was an open skillet funeral service. Dean was buried in a giant biscuit smothered in gravy. People in the south are really upset. The flag has been flying at half mast at Cracker Barrels across the country. Gary Coleman was cremated. Unfortunately, a funeral attendant sneezed so there weren’t any ashes left to scatter. What do you call a cremation urn in Sudan. A Manute Bol.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

Jamie Lee Curtis celebrated Father’s Day. She was really surprised when all the gifts are for her. I took the Activia Challenge. It didn’t turn me into a movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back. Bad news: the FTC just forced Kellog’s to withdraw their claim that Rice Krispies. They did so on the advice of their head nutritionist, Count Chocula. The good news: Rice Crispies now have 50 percent more crackle.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

Anyone watching the World Cup? There’s a fine line between narcolepsy and World Cup Fever.

Elton John, English singer-songwriter and pian...
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Stand-up comedian Chelsea Handler was at the Landmark Theater Saturday. I like to think of Chelsea as a one-schtick pony like Lisa Lampanelli. On second thought, given that she slept with her boss at the E! cable channel, maybe she’s a one-trick pony too. Elton John just performed for $1 million at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding. Apparently he also played piano.

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Gabriel Iglesias: the one argument big friends have: who is the biggest?
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All these natural disasters are beginning to cost Ted Alexandro a lot of money.
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When you’re a little kid, you never realize you’re family’s weird because they’re all you know.
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Unhappy Father’s Day, or Dan Cummins writes greeting cards.
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My latest stand-up comedy set circa June 15, 2009 and performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, Fallout and the 9:55 Comedy Club and Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill in Richmond, Virginia and Cozzy’s Comedy Club open mic in Newport News, Virginia.

I did stand-up comedy at a sushi restaurant called Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia recently. The last time anyone bombed that badly in Petersburg was 1864, when the Union Army blew a 155-foot crater in Confederate lines, killing 300 men.

Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Gore
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Al and Tipper Gore have broken up. Finally Al has an reason to eat for just two people instead of three. The final straw in their marriage was when Al stuck a fork in Tipper while trying to get the last slice of bacon at breakfast. If Al gets any fatter, they’re going to tow him out to the Gulf of Mexico and lower him over the BP oil well blowout.

The Texas Board of Education wanted to rename the slave trade the “Atlantic triangular trade.” It turns out that the ovens at Auschwitz were actually tanning beds. A lot of people in Mississippi are confused and disappointed when they watch a Harry Potter movie. They think they’re going to see a film about wizards.

The oil spill is getting out of hand. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tarball. They’ve tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

My favorite television journalist used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. I used to listen to Young Jeezy but now I watch Old Swayze. We know the Wu Tangs have a clan but what about the Ting Tings. I may be thinking outside the box, but has the phrase jumping the shark jumped the shark? I challenge everyone to say Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader rapidly and repeatedly.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting a new riff based on horror movies. You might be a

zombie if you crave brains.You might be a werewolf if you have more back hair than Ed Asner. You might be a vampire if you suck harder than Dane Cook.

The Super Bowl will be played in New Jersey in 2014. The losing team will be buried underneath the 40-yard line. Jimmy Hoffa said that joke would kill.

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Margaret Smith”s dad shaved off his recent hair transplant to win a $20 bet.
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