Posts Tagged ‘Fallout’

Post-apocalyptic stand-up comedy for a post-modern world

Poster Chris Martin designed for the Fallout stand-up comedy open mic

“Never mind the radioactive mutants, here’s the Fallout open mic. Post-apocalyptic stand-up comedy for a post-modern world. Fallout, 117 N. 18th St. in Shockoe Bottom, Richmond, VA, 2nd and fourth Tuesday, 7 pm, free!”

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Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set, circa March 29, 2010

Performed at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Cameldy at the Camel, That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout in Richmond, Virginia and Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg.

My blind dates have been disasters. I’m thinking about that blow job from a seeing eye dog in particular.

Has anyone seen the new commercial for Viagra? I’m not a doctor but if your reflection in a window talks to you, you may have a bigger problem than erectile dysfunction.

Police captured a coyote in Manhattan, but not before David Letterman spotted him eating a squirrel’s nuts in Central Park. It’s been a rough winter. How rough? I actually saw an intern burying David Letterman’s nuts in Central Park. A sushi restaurant in Santa Monica called Hump has apologized for serving whale. They still have camel toe on the menu, however.

Paleontologists have discovered a new dinosaur related to the Velociraptor. It was immediately offered a job on CNN, which wants to attract an younger demographic than the audience for  “Larry King Live.”

Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei – and Jesse James.

I got a letter that said President Barack Obama was requesting my immediate response to the 2010 Presidential survey. “You are a part of a select group of leaders who have been chosen to participate in this survey.” Yeah, right. It was bad enough when I was getting scam letters from Nigerians. Now I’m getting scam letters from Kenyans.

Congress finally passed a health care plan. Jon Stewart had called the Democrats a bunch of pussies – which is a slander on vaginas everywhere. If you screw around with a vagina, you get results in nine months. It took the Democrats 14 months of screwing around with health care to get results. There have been threats and violence after Congress passed the health care plan. In particular, an ugly incident in which that thing on top of Minority Whip Eric Cantor’s head attacked Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s just wrong. Shouldn’t they be selling for three-fifths the price of a white Barbie. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep?

Fess Parker, who played Davy Crockett for Walt Disney is dead at 85. He’s best known for serving as the inspiration for Donald Trump’s hair piece. Abba was recently inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I thought Neil Young said that Rock and Roll would never die. That’s my time. My name is Chris Martin. Thank you very much.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt, January 2008
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Performed at Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night March 15, opening for The Recliners March 19 and That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout  March 23, 2010

Mike Sorrentino of “Jersey Shore” calls his stomach “The Situation” because his abs are ripped. I’m thinking about calling my stomach “The Doughnut” because my abs are a doughy blob of fat with a hole in the middle.

Nightline interviewed the killer whale at Sea World. He claims he’s nearsighted and mistook his trainer for a penguin. An honest mistake. He’s apologized and is going back into rehab to treat his addiction to penguins. My goldfish lunged at me when I tried to feed it. Damn, I hate these copycat killers.

I was curious about the Olympic biathalon. Imagine my disappointment when I found out Tila Tequila wouldn’t be competing.

Tiger Woods hired former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer to do public, er, public relations. Insert your own bush joke here. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were robbed at the Academy Awards. They should have won an Oscar for producing “The Hurt Locker.” If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: director James Cameron will team up with director Kathryn Bigelow for a war movie about blue people called “The Smurf Locker.” Jeff Bridges won an Oscar for “Crazy Heart” but that still doesn’t make up for “Thunderbolt and Lightfoot.” Watching “Crazy Heart” would be a bad trip for me: too many Kris Kristofferson flashbacks. Now that Sandra Bullock has won an Oscar, her career can finally take off like Marisa Tomei’s. Anyone see Mo’Nique’s hairy legs. She’s just getting ready for her new movie, “An American Werewolf in LA.”

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy broke up. Damn, I thought that was going to be a love for the ages like Romeo and Juliet, Abelard and Heloise, Percy and Mary Shelley, Robert and Elizabeth Barret Browning and Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman.

Critics say former Congressman Eric Massa is a loose cannon but are they engaged in Massa-baiting? It looks like Congress will pass a health care plan. It’s probably better than Sarah Palin’s health care plan. If you get sick, you’re stranded on an ice floe. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality tv series around. It’ll include footage of her hunting in Alaska and will be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

Toyota microphone. My neighbor has a Toyota Camry with bundles of Nation of Islam literature with Louis Farrakhan on the cover in the back seat. Maybe the car only crashes in white people?

Naomi Campbell accused of assaulting her limo driver. Her spokesman said there’s more to the story than meets the eye. Probably more to the story than meets the nose. The Reverend Al Sharpton held a meeting to discuss New York governor David Paterson’s scandals. Excuse me, is that the pot calling the kettle black?

Black Barbies sell for half the price of white Barbies at Wal-mart. That’s offensive but why aren’t people complaining about the “Slave Master” Ken doll, which comes complete with a whip and a mint julep? The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven just died. No word yet on whether he’s going to be cremated and whether it will take two-and-half days.

Saint Patrick’s Day is Wednesday. Let’s celebrate a thousand years of alcoholism, famine, oppression, fratricide, superstition and hypocrisy. I hope everyone enters into the true spirit of the day by sodomizing an altar boy. I’m praying this is the year Saint Patrick finally drives the pythons out of Florida. Thank you. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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Cartoon showing baby representing New Year 190...
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Tuesday’s That Ain’t Right Comedy Night at Fallout wasn’t as well attended by comedians (down to six from around 12 the first time out) but there was a larger audience and they were more responsive. My set was a mix of new and older material. I got some laughs from jokes which previously hadn’t done as well. I just wish I could remember which ones they were. Comedians who showed up included host Dave Hamrick, Ray Bullock, Marc Cooper, Kelly Henderson and Leo. The next shows are on December 15 and 29, which means I may get out a diaper for a New Year‘s baby bit. I’ve got one more set in which I’m going to use this material, the December 7 Comedy Night at Cafe Diem.

Comedy at the Camel, another project of Dave Hamrick’s, debuted to a full house, with Ray Bullock headlining and Jesse Jarvis MCing. Sets by Roy Rogers, Dave Hamrick and Bill Metzger of Charlottesville, among others. Blake Midgette stopped by. He was just back from two weeks in New York where he did an open mic at a hole-in-the-wall club in the East Village.

I’m trying to catch up on my backlog of video material. Right now, I’ve stripped the audio from the October 4, 2009 set at the Last Stag Standing competition at Europa Cafe. The next step is to listen to the set or look at the script and get tags for when I upload to Taltopia, Punchline magazine, Gcast and Soundcloud. Unfortunately, I decided to scan the disk with those files on it for errors so I’m temporarily locked out and unable to work with them. The next step is to edit the video file in Pinnacle, which basically consists of slapping titles on the front and back end.

One decision coming down the road is my next step in terms of improving output. I’m still getting feedback that the sound quality of the video output of the Canon PowerShot is not that great, the latest comment coming from Virginia Production Alliance  on YouTube. I don’t have that much of a problem hearing what’s said certainly the sound could be improved. This would take the form of buying a Kodak Zi8, which mean an improvement in video quality as well, going from 20 fps to 30 and 60 fps, as well as going from 640×480 to 780p and 1080p.  This would also mean getting a wireless lavalier mic for what should be a big boost in audio quality. Another advantage: the Zi8 has has a remote control which means I wouldn’t have to be standing at the camera to start filming my sets and those of other people.

Other possibilities for improvements: Brother’s $50 personal laser printer so I don’t have to shell out an arm and a leg for ink jet cartridges any more; Serif’s movie editor so I can overcome the limitations of Pinnacle and one minimalist possibility, getting some business cards from VistaPrint so I can do some more publicity with Salty Tongue Records.

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I’ve been busy recently so I haven’t haven’t written in the blog lately. Last week, it was the first open mic at Fallout in Shockoe Bottom Tuesday. Kudos to Dave Hamrick for increasing  opportunities for comics to practice their craft. Joe Hafkey of Cafe Diem’s Comedy Night was the MC. Jared Cullum worked out some new jokes before moving on to another gig. Kelly Henderson had a good set about breaking down on the Jeff Davis Highway. I had a chance to converse with Jesse Jarvis, who rooms with Roy Rogers (not that Roy Rogers — we should start a support group for people who share famous first names). A good time was held by all and a good vibe, a community feeling in the room. Attendance was light, mostly comedians, but I’m sure that will pick up with time. I was able to do the first five minutes of my set-to-be at artspace.

Friday, it was a stand-up comedy benefit for artspace, a non-profit member-run gallery at Plant Zero. Organizer Santa De Haven went all out, complete with a “green room,”  amply stocked cooler and programs.  Mike Bonura  did his swan song before moving on to the Marines. I was next and did 10 minutes without blanking and forgetting my lines, unlike the first time I did 10 minutes at Paradox Comedy’s “Motel Hell” Halloween Celebration.  Michal Ketner did about 20 minutes, including a nice bit about becoming the lead singer for Aerosmith, Collin Chute (a 20-year-old who actually knows who Bob Dylan is!) and Tom Via  rounded out the evening with musical comedy about relationships. We did a run-through and evidently the preparation paid off. The chemistry between performers was good and the audience of around 50 was appreciative. The event raised a nice sum for the gallery.

It was good to see Camille Bird, the MC, who has been sorely missed from the Richmond comedy scene, taking a break after co-founding the Comic-Kazze open mics. The bad news is that that was when my cold really started to kick in.

Coming back from a non-existent pre-performance meeting at the New York Deli (I really should read my emails more closely) in the Hurricane Ida backwash, I ran over some glass in the alley. Fortunately, according to an Agee’s Bicycle  inspection, the damage was not enough that I had to replace the tire, which was a source of concern since I was planning to cycle all the way downtown and across the bridge to Manchester for the artspace benefit.

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