Posts Tagged ‘New York City’

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Transcript of my most recent stand-up comedy set, performed while MCing at Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and others.

Not to mention covered with volcanic ash. Sarah Silverman’s not-so-secret shame is bedwetting. My not-so-secret shame is volcano jokes. I’m not going to see “Kick-Ass the movie.” I’m waiting for “Kick-Ass the Kick-Ass.” Meanwhile, “Kick Ash the Volcano” is a big hit in Iceland. The Smoke Monster is upset because the Iceland volcano is blowing up bigger in the media than he is, so he told the volcano to kiss his ash. The bad news: the neighboring Katla volcano in Iceland could blow at any moment. The good news: Katla is easier to pronounce than Eyjafjallajokull. Hey, they all can’t be comedy gold, people.

I don’t know about you but I sleep a lot better at night knowing that Jay Leno is back on the Tonight Show.

King Tut just arrived in New York City. He plans to get tips on self-preservation from another King – Larry. The Cardinals and the Mets just played baseball for nearly seven hours. That’s longer than some of Larry King’s marriages.

Let’s have a moment of silence for Brett Michaels, the lead singer of Poison and the star of “Rock of Love,” who’s fighting for his life after suffering a massive brain hemorrhage. Wait a minute, Brett Michaels has a brain? Too soon or too stupid?

Did everyone enjoy Easter? Some people believe the Easter Bunny is a mythical creature like Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Change We Can Believe in. I’ve invented a new candy for atheists to hand out at Easter. They’re called Meme&Memes. They melt in your mind, not in your mouth. It’s a good thing Jesus didn’t say “Do unto others as they have done unto you.” Otherwise, there’d be a lot of sodomized priests.

An Iranian cleric warned that women who dress immodestly cause earthquakes. The US Geological Survey has issued a Snooki Level alert for the entire East Coast. A Muslim group told the creators of “South Park” they might wind up dead for blaspheming against Mohammed. Just to show they’re serious, they killed Kenny. French president Nicolas Sarkozy wants legislators to ban the full veil. If he really wanted to popular, he’d call for outlawing the muffin-top and pants-on-the ground.

Kate Gosselin has left “Dancing with the Stars,” but not before astronaut Buzz Aldrin got her pregnant. Hey, after you’ve planted a flag on the moon, planting an embryo in Kate is child’s play.

A lot of people are down on Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, the model who had an affair with Jesse James. Look on the bright side: we finally have a homewrecker with more tattoos than Angelina Jolie.

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The aptly titled “John Oliver‘s New York Stand Up Show” debuts tonight on Comedy Central and features bits by some of the Daily Show Correspondent’s favorite comedians.
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This is Jared Cullum performing at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York. For more information, check out http://www.jaredcullumcomedy.com
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October 29, 2007 at Art 6, 6 E. Broad St., Richmond, VA

Only nine more days until Halloween, or as some people refer to it, National Night Out for predators. Are you excited about Halloween? I’m more excited than David Letterman hiring a new personal assistant. Dick Cheney is excited about Halloween too. He’s going to dress up as the Ghost of Torture Past. Everyone who comes to the Cheney house Halloween night gets a free shotgun blast in the face. Cheney may be getting confused in his old age. He recently said America was safer because the Obamas got a Portuguese Water Boarding dog. Right after Halloween is Election Day, or as I like to call it, National Night out of the Closet for former Idaho senator Larry Craig.

A lot of people don’t know that Edgar Allan Poe, in addition to being America’s first horror writer of note, was also America’s first stand-up comedian. The only problem was that every joke ended with the same punchline: “Here, here, it is the beating of his hideous heart!” Come to think it, Poe may have been talking about Dick Cheney. Kind of a downer. Probably why he didn’t get too many laughs. The reason I don’t get too many laughs: too much conceptual comedy.

October 8 was National Depression Screening Day. I wanted to participate but I was too depressed. In Mel Gibson’s latest movie role, he plays a depressed man who believes his beaver puppet talks to him. Crazy stuff. In his next film, he’ll play a guy who believes the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Jon Gosselin is thinking about converting to Judaism. Haven’t the Jews suffered enough? First the Holocaust and now this. As if there weren’t enough people already hating on the Jews.

Bob Dylan is putting out an album of Christmas songs. Is Bob Dylan Christian or Jewish these days? It’s hard to keep track. Is there an app for that? There should be a web site for that in the grand tradition of “Is Twitter Down?” Another web site I want to see: “Is Cat Stevens still a Muslim?”

An ad on Facebook that said, “Find out who’s been searching for you.” Underneath the headline was a photo of a large-breasted young woman. What an amazing coincidence. I’ve been looking for large-breasted young women on the Internet and all along they’ve been looking for me. Curiously, all the Christian singles in Facebook ads also have large breasts. Apparently, not only can Jesus turn water into wine, he can turn a B-cup into a D-cup. If Jesus comes back, I want to know so I can follow him – on Twitter.

Jesus, Mohammed and Buddha walked into a bar. The bartender said, “What will you have?” Jesus said, “I’ll have a Rusty Nail and a Bloody Mary.” Mohammed said, “I’ll have a Virgin drink.” Buddha said, “Who do I have to kill to get out of this joke?” Believe it or not, I came up with the idea for a show called “Copts.” It turns out there wasn’t a big market for a series about Egyptian Christians so Fox took it in another direction.

Hey, let’s try to get into Michael Moore’s “Capitalism: A Love Story” for free. That’s almost as original as filming yourself trying to get past a security guard at a corporation headquarters, the equivalent of doing jokes about airline food in stand-up comedy. It was mildly amusing in “Roger & Me,” but if you’re still doing the same bit 20 years later, you might as well admit you’re a hack. It’s hard to say which is more ironic, getting lectured on health care by a guy who looks like he belongs on the poster of “Supersize Me” or getting lectured on capitalism by a guy who owns a New York City penthouse.

Levi Johnston is appearing nude in Playgirl. Now Sarah Palin won’t have to travel all the way to Hong Kong to see someone’s junk. A White House adviser urged bloggers to “take off their pajamas” and get serious about politics. I resent that. Some of us are wearing Snuggies™. One day I’ll stop mourning the death of Teddy Kennedy. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Starbucks has two new free apps for the iPhone. My advice is to stay away from the Steve Jobs liver-flavored Frappaccino now in beta. Kim Jong Il is also rumoured to have suffered from pancreatic cancer, diabetes and more than one stroke. If he gets any sicker, he’ll have to change his name to Kim Jong Dead.

We’ve turned away from the values that made this country great. What is this country coming to? MacDonald’s has lattes. 7-11 sells food that actually has less plastic in it than the containers it comes in. I’m concerned about a disturbing trend in microwave dinners where you have to remove the dinner halfway through and stir the entree. Isn’t this making us work for our food a lot more than we really want to? And how about the deterioration in the Barely Legal videos? Nothing says youthful innocence like a set of 38-inch implants, a pierced vagina and 40 hours of tattoo work.

It turns out the Balloon Boy story was a hoax. The Balloon Boy story blew up bigger than Meghan McCain’s breasts on Twitter.

Billy Ray Cyrus is the perfect dad. Miley Cyrus half-naked in Vanity Fair? So what? Miley Cyrus lap dances on a 50-year-old director? Whatever. Miley Cyrus pole dances at the Teen Choice awards? Ho-hum. Miley Cyrus deletes her Twitter account. OMG! Now Billy Ray puts his foot down!

I’m thinking about writing a book because if Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, anyone can write a book. Here’s a comedian whose entire act consists a fat white woman talking about how she likes black guys. Original stuff. If Lisa Lampanelli can write a book, then Artie Lange can open a driving school. A NASA rocket crashed into the moon. So when did Artie become an astronaut?

If I had a rocket launcher, I’d join the National Rifle Association. If clothes make the man, then I’m a cheap bastard. My dentist has two practices, one in Richmond and one in Fredericksburg. His name on Twitter is FredDentist. For some reason, he doesn’t want to be known as RichDentist.

That’s my time. Remember, when guns are outlawed, only Dick Cheney and the police will have guns. Think about that for a while. Have a great evening.

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