Posts Tagged ‘United States’

My latest stand-up comedy set circa June 15, 2009 and performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, Fallout and the 9:55 Comedy Club and Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill in Richmond, Virginia and Cozzy’s Comedy Club open mic in Newport News, Virginia.

I did stand-up comedy at a sushi restaurant called Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia recently. The last time anyone bombed that badly in Petersburg was 1864, when the Union Army blew a 155-foot crater in Confederate lines, killing 300 men.

Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Gore
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Al and Tipper Gore have broken up. Finally Al has an reason to eat for just two people instead of three. The final straw in their marriage was when Al stuck a fork in Tipper while trying to get the last slice of bacon at breakfast. If Al gets any fatter, they’re going to tow him out to the Gulf of Mexico and lower him over the BP oil well blowout.

The Texas Board of Education wanted to rename the slave trade the “Atlantic triangular trade.” It turns out that the ovens at Auschwitz were actually tanning beds. A lot of people in Mississippi are confused and disappointed when they watch a Harry Potter movie. They think they’re going to see a film about wizards.

The oil spill is getting out of hand. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tarball. They’ve tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

My favorite television journalist used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. I used to listen to Young Jeezy but now I watch Old Swayze. We know the Wu Tangs have a clan but what about the Ting Tings. I may be thinking outside the box, but has the phrase jumping the shark jumped the shark? I challenge everyone to say Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader rapidly and repeatedly.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting a new riff based on horror movies. You might be a

zombie if you crave brains.You might be a werewolf if you have more back hair than Ed Asner. You might be a vampire if you suck harder than Dane Cook.

The Super Bowl will be played in New Jersey in 2014. The losing team will be buried underneath the 40-yard line. Jimmy Hoffa said that joke would kill.

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Poster by Jared Cullum

Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill poster

Odyssey Michaels presents Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill. Poster by Jared Cullum. Featuring Alex Scott and Jared Cullum with Joe Hafkey, Lee Willis and Chris Martin.

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Stand-up comedy at Wabi-Sabi

Fists of Funny poster for the June 2, 2010 show

“Fists of Funny”: 8 comics get Wabi on yo’ Sabi Friday night. “Battling” Blake Midgette (final Central Virginia appearance), “Jolting'” Jeff Curran, “Jabbing” Joe Hafkey, “Bobbing” Bill Metzger, “Dangerous” David Marie-Garland, “Ripping” Roy Rogers and Chris “Crippler” Martin. Jason “Killer” Klingman is your MC. 9 pm, 29 Bolingbrook St., Petersburg.

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Cover of "Black Dawn"
Cover of Black Dawn

Transcript of Chris Martin’s stand-up comedy set at Cameldy 3.5, Cafe Diem Comedy Night, Fallout’s open mic and K-9 Comedy @ City Dogs.

I finally realized what BP stands for: “Barack’s problem.” Apparently my plan to cap the oil blowout in the Gulf with Sarah Palin is not realistic. It’s the biggest oil slick to hit Louisiana since Little Richard’s hair. I can’t wait until the oil-battered shrimp specials show up on the Red Lobster menu.

Kitty Kelly has a new book out with shocking revelations about Oprah Winfrey. I don’t have a problem with Oprah Winfrey and Gayle King. However, I draw the line at Oprah and John Tesh. That’s just wrong and unnatural.

I can forgive Steven Seagal for allegedly having sex slaves. I’m still working on not holding a grudge for Black Dawn, Belly of the Beast, Out of Reach, Submerged, Kill Switch, Urban Justice, Pistol Whipped, Against the Dark, Driven to Kill and his entire musical career.

You can now buy “Avatar” cupcakes and sheet cakes at Kroger. I’m so glad director James Cameron decided not to trivialize his movie about the evils of predatory capitalism. I traveled in a Hot Tub Time Machine and all I got was a lousy Morlock… and a rash.

Has anyone bought an iPad? Who says we don’t have progress? It used to be that with a $1,000 personal computer and streaming audio, you could duplicate the experience of a $10 transistor radio. Now, with a $500 iPad and the iBookstore, you can duplicate the experience of a $20 book. And if you have a dog or cat, you can duplicate the experience of a $5 chew toy.

The KFC Double Down sandwich consists of cheese, mayonnaise, bacon between two slabs of fried chicken. Do you want fries or a defibrillator with that?

The director of the CIA says we’re making progress against Al-Qaeda. No word on whether this will have any effect on the running bet between Fidel Castro and Osama bin Laden over which one will die in bed first.

Twenty-nine people died in the mining disaster in West Virginia. It’s refreshing to see a Richmond company killing people with something other than tobacco.

The Treasury Department has redesigned the $100 bill. One innovation: pre-folding them so they’re easier to place on stripper g-strings.

After years of believing one of the Jonas Brothers is the Antichrist, it’s tough to adjust to the possibility it might be Justin Bieber. Kim Kardashian says she has Bieber fever. And I thought she just had herpes.

Those “you might be a redneck jokes are so unoriginal.” I’m starting a new riff: you might be a Hooters waitress. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and serve chicken wings. You might be a Hooters waitress if you have large breasts and wear orange shorts. OK, it’s a work in progress.

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Snoop Dogg
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Performed at Wabi Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia and the 9:55 Comedy Club, Café Diem and Fallout in Richmond, Virginia.

Toyota microphone bit. My neighbor has a Toyota Camry with bundles of Nation of Islam literature with Louis Farrakhan on the cover in the back seat. Maybe the car only crashes in white people.

You know your life is going downhill when your Facebook doppelgänger is Charles Manson. That’s probably why my neighbors don’t let their kids come over and stroke my Zhu Zhu pet, Mr. Sniggles.

Has anyone seen the ad for “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Lightning Thief”? Shouldn’t that be “Percy Jackson and the Olympians: the Harry Potter Thief”? Anyone watching the final season of “Lost.” Spoiler alert: there’s an nerve-wracking episode coming up in which Hurley gets stuck in the hatch and the Others blow the Smoke Monster up his ass. I used to get confused when people talked about the Smoke Monster. I thought they were referring to Snoop Dogg. Snoop was in Richmond last week and for one brief shining moment, Richmond had more smoke trails over it than Atlanta.

Kanye West wasn’t invited to the “Hope for Haiti” telethon. Apparently they were afraid Kanye would interrupt George Clooney to claim the Southeast Asia tsunami was worse than the earthquake in Haiti. Years ago, I made a deal with the Devil to get Pat Robertson to stop making stupid comments. I want my soul back. If it takes a lot of black people dying in a natural disaster to inspire a football team, I am so betting on the Haiti soccer team in the Olympics. Big earthquake in Chile. The good news is that it didn’t kill as many people as in Haiti. The bad news is that it missed Elliott Yamin.

January’s been a rough winter. Washington, DC was paralyzed. In other words, things are pretty much normal. How cold was it? It’s so cold that Luke Skywalker bought his Tauntaun a Snuggie. It’s so cold that I actually saw a Richmond Flying Squirrel de-icing his wings. The only thing scarier than a groundhog waking up and seeing its shadow as Andie McDowell waking up and seeing her wrinkles.

The new senator from Massachusetts is a former Cosmopolitan centerfold. This puts the ass back in Massachusetts. Bill Clinton is amazing. He’s 63-years-old and he still does his own stents. Dick Cheney was hospitalized with chest pains. His heart couldn’t stand the strain of the excitement of Olympic curling. I was curious about the Olympic Biathlon. Imagine my disappointment when I found out Tila Tequila wouldn’t be competing. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney were robbed. They would have won an Oscar for producing “The Hurt Locker.” Anyone see Mo’Nique’s hairy legs on the red carpet? She’s just prepping for her new movie role, “An American Werewolf in Los Angeles.”

Barack Obama gave his State of the Union speech. He promised to revive the economy, reform health care, rein in the banks and put a unicorn in every back yard. Chris Matthews said he forgot Obama was black for an hour. I had forgotten that Chris Matthews was a jackass for a week.

Actress Jennifer Aniston broke up with singer John Mayer because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Apparently he lost his hood pass. Mayer apologized for using the N-word and White House chief of staff Rahm Emmanuel apologized for using the R-word. Don’t you hate it when a kike like Emmanuel and a cunt like John Mayer stereotype groups and call them derogatory names? I can say kike because I have a because I have a big nose, which makes me Jewish. I can say cunt because I have a big vagina, which makes me a really butch lesbian. I took the Activia Challenge but it didn’t turn me into movie star with large breasts so I asked for my money back.

Pay no attention to me. I’m just checking my set list. It’s a little trick I picked up from Sarah Palin. I’m glad she’s come up with something new and exciting to do with the palm of your hand. I got my hand a Valentine’s Day card. I know the palm of my hand like the back of my hand. It looks like Congress will pass a health care plan. It’s probably better than Sarah Palin’s health care plan, where if you get sick, you’re stranded on an ice floe. Sarah Palin is shopping a reality tv series around. It’ll include footage of her hunting in Alaska and will be called “Deadliest Snatch.”

People who ridiculed the Richmond, Virginia grocery chain Ukrop’s for years by calling it Ukrap’s will have to open up a new can of sarcasm. Dutch supermarket group Ahold has bought Ukrop’s. For some reason, they don’t want to call it Ahold’s. Even more amusing, the company’s full name is Royal Ahold. Since it’s a Dutch company, let’s hope they tell their new employees to wash their hands after putting their fingers in any dikes.

The Virginia Lottery has a new scratcher game based on American Idol. The slogan: “Just one scratch is all it takes.” When it comes to Paula Abdul, I’m not sure whether they’re talking about winning a lot of money or catching herpes.

Naomi Campbell acussed of assaulting her limo driver. Her spokesman said there’s more to the story than meets the eye. Probably more to the story than meets the nose. The Reverend Al Sharpton held a meeting to discuss New York governor David Paterson’s scandals. Excuse me, is that the pot calling the kettle black?

The inventor of the Frisbee died recently. This gives a whole new twist to the phrase, “spinning in your grave.” The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven also just died. No word yet on whether he’s going to be cremated and whether it will take two-and-half days.

Thanks you. My name is Chris Martin and that’s my time.

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The aptly titled “John Oliver‘s New York Stand Up Show” debuts tonight on Comedy Central and features bits by some of the Daily Show Correspondent’s favorite comedians.
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How did the Pilgrims celebrate the first Thanksgiving? According to these adorable young history buffs, with blankets covered in smallpox. While it may appear that these kids are simply playing dress-up, their reenactment is pretty true-to-life, and includes hilarious depictions of The Pequot and King Philip’s War. At the end, the Pilgrims give parting gifts to their Native American friends: whiskey, keys to a pickup truck, and of course, more smallpox. — HuffPo
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