Posts Tagged ‘Virginia’

My latest stand-up comedy set circa June 15, 2009 and performed at open mics at Cafe Diem, Fallout and the 9:55 Comedy Club and Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill in Richmond, Virginia and Cozzy’s Comedy Club open mic in Newport News, Virginia.

I did stand-up comedy at a sushi restaurant called Wabi-Sabi in Petersburg, Virginia recently. The last time anyone bombed that badly in Petersburg was 1864, when the Union Army blew a 155-foot crater in Confederate lines, killing 300 men.

Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Gore
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Al and Tipper Gore have broken up. Finally Al has an reason to eat for just two people instead of three. The final straw in their marriage was when Al stuck a fork in Tipper while trying to get the last slice of bacon at breakfast. If Al gets any fatter, they’re going to tow him out to the Gulf of Mexico and lower him over the BP oil well blowout.

The Texas Board of Education wanted to rename the slave trade the “Atlantic triangular trade.” It turns out that the ovens at Auschwitz were actually tanning beds. A lot of people in Mississippi are confused and disappointed when they watch a Harry Potter movie. They think they’re going to see a film about wizards.

The oil spill is getting out of hand. The other day, my goldfish coughed up a tarball. They’ve tried everything else to soak up the oil spill. It’s time to take off the gloves and unleash the Chia pets.

I was distraught when I heard that Dennis Hopper died. I bet serious money he would be the next star to check out — or perhaps I should say choke out — like David Carradine.

My favorite television journalist used to be JuJu Chang but now it’s BuddhistBuddhist Goldberg. I used to listen to Young Jeezy but now I watch Old Swayze. We know the Wu Tangs have a clan but what about the Ting Tings. I may be thinking outside the box, but has the phrase jumping the shark jumped the shark? I challenge everyone to say Barnes & Noble Nook e-reader rapidly and repeatedly.

Gun control advocates are upset because Starbucks allows people to carry guns in their stores. Now you can get six shots in your espresso instead of a double. According to The New York Times, the world’s most expensive coffee beans are extracted from the dung of the civet, a Southeast Asian animal. It’s just a matter of time before you can order a Crapuccino from Starbucks.

A UCLA psychiatrist has joined the board of directors of General Motors. That makes sense. People who buy GM cars will still be crazy but at least they’ll understand why.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting a new riff based on horror movies. You might be a

zombie if you crave brains.You might be a werewolf if you have more back hair than Ed Asner. You might be a vampire if you suck harder than Dane Cook.

The Super Bowl will be played in New Jersey in 2014. The losing team will be buried underneath the 40-yard line. Jimmy Hoffa said that joke would kill.

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Poster by Jared Cullum

Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill poster

Odyssey Michaels presents Refried Comedy @ Aztek Grill. Poster by Jared Cullum. Featuring Alex Scott and Jared Cullum with Joe Hafkey, Lee Willis and Chris Martin.

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Krakatoa east of java
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Krakajokea, East of Java is a new joke-writing and podcast recording session for stand-up comedians in Richmond. The name is a play on a 1969 movie, “Krakatoa, East of Java.” The movie was one of the last to use the Cinerama process. In point of fact, Krakatoa is west of Java. Krakajokea explains itself. The East of Java part works because the event is held at a coffee shop, the Lamplighter Cafe & Roasting Company at 116 South Addison Street in Richmond. The cafe is on a relatively obscure side street but near the Carytown and Fan districts of Richmond. It’s a block from West Cary Street (there’s a fire station on West Cary and Addison). It’s also near the Dominion complex and the former GRTC bus barns. The sessions will be held every Sunday at 4:00 pm. The link to the Facebook group is http://groups.to/jokes. Here’s a description from the Facebook group page:

A joke-writing session every Sunday at 4:00 pm at the Lamplighter Roasting Company near Carytown and the Fan. Drink coffee instead of alcohol. In other words, it’s like an AA meeting, only less funny. Brainstorm and network with other comedians. Engage in passive-aggressive humor. Run other comedians down behind their backs. Compare yourself with other comedians and then wonder why you’re depressed. It’ll be great. Plus a live podcast will be taped at each session.

Krakajokea is an attempt to formalize impromptu joke-writing sessions which have been held in the past. The late lamented Comic Kazze stand-up comedy collective, spearheaded by Jared Cullum and Camille Bird, also held joke-writing sessions last year at Ali Baba’s restaurant on West Broad Street near VCU. That’s where I first met Jeff Curran, Richmond’s anti-Bill Cosby. Krakajokea is not intended as competition for the joke-writing sessions at the Richmond Funny Bone on Saturday. Not everybody can get out to Short Pump where the Funny Bone is and Saturday afternoon doesn’t fit everyone’s schedule.

Comedians in Richmond get together at comedy showcases and open mics but a fair amount of  them are amped up with pre-show adrenaline, not to mention over-amped background music, which doesn’t make for the most relaxed of settings for conversation. I’m hoping a non-performance setting will make for a more convivial atmosphere. I hope we’ll be able to come up with some ideas on how to take RVA comedy to the next level. Jeff recently came up with the idea for a Richmond comedian’s softball team so maybe we’ll be able to discuss ways to make that happen.

Comedians in Richmond listen to podcasts such as “WTF” and “Never Not Funny.” As far as I know, none of them are actually producing them, so this is also a chance for us to get out of the consumer mode and into the creative mode. I’ve had some interesting and stimulating discussions with Richmond comedians, which, looking back, I’d wish I could have recorded

The Official Blake Midgette Roast

Blake Midgette addresses the crowd at the Official Blake Midgette Roast

The Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem, Richmond, VA, May 31, 2010. From left, Blake Midgette, Ray Bullock and Jared Cullum. Photo by Chris Martin.

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Vin Diesel at the Fast & Furious premiere at L...
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Transcript of my May 31, 2010 set:

I’d like to thank David Marie-Garland for taking time off from his job as the Travelocity gnome for this important event. Jared Cullum was able to make it, even though he’s prepping for his Kiekagards of Comedy tour with Thomas Merton, Martin Buber and Paul Tillich. Jared is the first comedian to ever be skeptical about organized religion. Breakthrough stuff. Let’s hear it for Ray Bullock, the Vin Diesel of Richmond comedy. Unlike Ray Bullock, Vin Diesel actually has a career. James Paulk is here. He’s a landscaper. Is that what they’re calling pot farming these days? Kenny Wingle gave Blake Midgette a blanket as a going-away present. Don’t you hate those regifters. Thanks to Joe Hafkey for acting as roastmaster for this event. Remember, it’s not just random shouting, it’s performance art. Watch for Joe in the upcoming made-for-tv movie Obama says his eleven-year-old daughter, Malia comes into his bathroom every morning and asks, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy.” That’s interesting, because that’s what Jeff Curran’s daughter asks him every morning in his bathroom. Let it sink in. Jeff does. Hey, if you want good clean humor, watch “The Artistocrats.”

This is a roast for Blake Midgette, or as some people refer to him, the Chris Farley for the New American Century. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette and John Belushi? John Belushi’s liver is in better shape. What’s the difference between Bob Saget and Blake Midgette? Blake Midgette wanted to fuck the Olsen twins when they were twelve and Bob Saget actually fucked the Olsen twins when they were twelve. What’s the difference between Blake Midgette’s day job as a dog groomer and his night job as a comedian? During the day, he has to deal with dog’s assholes. At night, he has to deal with comedians – assholes who are dogs. Let’s put Blake Midgette into historical perspective. The last time a bearded guy fucked Richmond, Virginia this hard was 1865.

I’m so tired of those you might be a redneck jokes. I’m starting my own riff: you might be Blake Midgette if… You might be Blake Midgette if you wrote to Baskin-Robbins ice cream and asked them to make “taint” one of their 31 flavors. You might be Blake Midgette if you have the Virginia STD hotline on speed dial. You might Blake Midgette if the Double Down is your favorite sandwich — AND your favorite sexual position. You might be Blake Midgette if you’re always trying to get some of that Robb Loving. You might be Blake Midgette if you think Sun Tek is Chinese for “happy ending.”

For Roman Catholics, the biggest sin is sex. For Southern Baptists, the biggest sin is alcohol. For Blake Midgette, the biggest sin is no sex or alcohol. Blake once had an Epiphany on LSD but he dumped her for an Emily.

I’m not saying Blake’s been in some nasty vaginas but they’re making a reality tv series about his sex life called “Deadliest Snatches.” You might think a “junk shot” is when they pump golf balls, shredded tires and broken Obama campaign promises into the BP blowout preventer. Actually, a “junk shot” is what Blake gets at the Fan Free Clinic. I’m not saying Blake has issues with his father but I have it on good authority that when he’s having sex, instead of saying “Who’s your daddy?” he says, “Where’s my daddy?”

Three rules for Austin comedians. Rule number 1: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 2: Do not follow Blake Midgette. Rule number 3: Do not follow Blake Midgette. There is an advantage to following Blake Midgette, however. Everything you say will seem normal, no matter how vile or filthy. After all, you’re following a guy who uses mouth-raping a toddler as a punchline. I’d like to thank Blake for keeping the memory of Taylor Biehl alive. I’d like to thank Blake for telling me more than I really wamted to know about Furries, Juggalos, cougars, chlamydia and fisting.

I hope everyone appreciates Blake’s many contribution to Richmond comedy. This included Super Friends Camp, a showcase for comedians. It was more fun than summer camp, especially since, unlike summer camp, there have been no reports of anyone getting molested — yet. The drawback of Blake’s stand-up is that his subject matter and dynamic performance overshadow his excellent writing. It was always a blast to see Blake turn in a stand-out performance at Cafe Diem, and then, even though it didn’t seem possible, take it to a whole other level two weeks later. I hate to see Blake go but I understand that he needs to move on, either to grow as an artist or to avoid paying child support, whichever is the more plausible explanation. Take care, my friend.

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Stand-up comedy at Wabi-Sabi

Fists of Funny poster for the June 2, 2010 show

“Fists of Funny”: 8 comics get Wabi on yo’ Sabi Friday night. “Battling” Blake Midgette (final Central Virginia appearance), “Jolting'” Jeff Curran, “Jabbing” Joe Hafkey, “Bobbing” Bill Metzger, “Dangerous” David Marie-Garland, “Ripping” Roy Rogers and Chris “Crippler” Martin. Jason “Killer” Klingman is your MC. 9 pm, 29 Bolingbrook St., Petersburg.

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A pensive Blake Midgette during a break while shooting a sketch for "The Undergrads

The calm before the storm: stand-up comedian Blake Midgette looks pensive during a break in filming a sketch for The Undergrads. Tonight is the Official Blake Midgette Roast at Cafe Diem in Richmond, Virginia.

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